TRINDER: "Fostering Stronger Interpersonal Bonds, Aiding the Lonely and Healing Communities"
An Editorial by Welt Scrimmer
Finger-jam left or finger-jam right? In today's "fast towns," there is no better way to discover your mega-value. And everyone wants to know what theirs is! So what are YOU worth, you ask? Likely, the answer is no more than a penny coated in hung-bung-roop. Try your luck at Trinder's "skin lottery" and you may very well win the juck-pot. But on the other hand, you may lose the very thing that makes you a leg-walker.
For calendars and calendars, relationships between warm-bodies and other warm-bodies have been terrible. Now things are better, at least according to Trinder CEO Hid Chamstring.
"Yes yes I think I made a mash-button sight where hungry boys and hungry girls can feast on one another with no thoughts of the grim skeleton hand and the shadow that it casts over all of our lives."
With a twinkle in his eye, Chamstring laughs heartily as he comments on the state of affairs in our nation's fast towns.
"History has shown us that reflection and soul-searching are stupid and worthless ideas. Down here at Trinder home offices, we think it's best to 'jam-up' with countless strangers, sort of like a buffet. But at our buffet, you never need to get a clean plate. Just keep using the first one until the odor and decay starts to scare the buffalo away."
"Listen bud, wrap yourself in butcher paper and huck yourself over some old barbed wire fence into the mouth of a hungry stranger. Doesn't that sound better than discovering your own true needs through careful introspection and sound communication? *sinister laughter* Anyway, listen, just be happy that we're even giving you this button to mash. If we didn't, you'd still be mashing in your mom's potatoes, am I right?" Again, Chamstring bursts into a fit of uncontrollable rage-laughter.
"One thing I know for sure, brother...is that Trinder fosters stronger interpersonal bonds, it aids the lonely and it heals communities, the same way people like yellow-rods and McDarnald's."
While the jury may be out on whether or not Trinder adds any depth, wisdom, sincerity or cranberry sauce to the sacred interpersonal bonds of relationships, one thing is for sure: people are turning jaw.
CALL-INS FROM OUR LISTENERS:
"Yeah man so I had a hard spell last calendar. I lost my job at Hinkle Dink's over the holidays, had some health issues and had a mental honkey tonk the size of Houston all in the same month. It was super rough trails for this ol' length-of-rope. I didn't know how I'd make it through without my girlfriend Sooze. Instead of just feeling sorry for my face like an old handkerchief, I got two full-time jobs to make sure Sooze and I could be comfortable and well fed. During one of my night shifts scrubbing the bathroom floor at Danny's First Meal House, I got a message from Sooze telling me that she found a guy with better clothes and better money in his wallet. After she left me, and after they closet-jammed for the 6th time, the dude left her for a model named TERESA 5. It hadn't even been a week. Then Sooze tried to call me to apologize but I have decided that I want to euthanize myself at a hospital instead of go on living in this shiver world."
"Hey yeah so I just threw my phone into a sewer and took off my clothes and now I live in the forest and I am pretty sure I am turning into a wolf. I am never going to use Trinder or any pant-unzipper ever again." *SIGNIFICANT HOWLING ENSUES*
"My name is Trey-C and I just wanted to call in to explain that I met a really nice guy named Brud on Trinder. He had nice brown slicked-back head-top hair and a perfect rustle of face-bottom-hair. He picked me up in his Owdee 5,000,000 VERSION 6 SPURSTER outside of my rental house. He smelled so nice, like a thousand bundles of sports candles. He took me to eat liquid clams and hunks of beef at NIGHT SLIDERS, one of the nicest "roof rammer" restaurants in town. He took me home and his mouth smelled like beef and he tried to make me slork by using his mouth on my downtown compass. After all of that, he said some weird things about wanting to step on the throats of people with cars older than 2016 so they would all die and he would have the roads to himself. When I woke up, I was all alone. All that was left of him was a single sports candle he left on my pillow. It had an engraving that said 'America First.' That was the last I ever saw of him."
"Hey there, I'm Tiddle Two. I have a Trinder story pretty similar to the one that Trey-C just told me. I met a really nice-seeming mixologyst named Trim who worked at O-Da-Lolly's down on First in the Downtown Boiler Zone. He told me he could throw a drink up in the air and walk away for a brown unload and come back and then catch it and the drink would be fully made. He really steamed me with that one! We took our date on the back of a steed that he ordered from horse.com. We went out to eat at Zinger's Arcade and Cafe. We played some games and he ordered me some basket-food. Then he took me back to his place for Trinder-perscribed ramming. Instead of going right for my lettuce, he had a tour around my garbanzo beans and my garden area. I could feel his neatly trimmed facial hair all over me. I felt odd about his choice to rustle around in my bean garden so told him politely that we should save that for later. That's when Trim threw up his arms and told me I should go join the Navy and that I was a real snooze. He left and never returned my feverish phone calls."
