1983 Consumer Reports: "Van 'Halin," A Disturbing New Trend With Soft-Faced Schoolboys

Above is an experienced artist's interpenetration of "Van 'Halin:" a terrible new trend that has been reported by PTA parents in the Troutflesh school district this year.

The rumor was started by Blather Turnjaw, a mother of three school-aged boys who INSISTS she thinks she might have seen "a couple of ruff-tuffs getting 'comfortable' with the hard-iron muffler of her sports utility vehicle." Blather explains...

"I didn't exactly witness the event firsthand. But a couple of the other neighborhood wives thought they heard or saw some kids talking about a new sexualart/fantasyact called Van 'Halin. I have no hard data or facts, only an experienced mother's hard-minded opinion. And I think what we're dealing with is some real sour-faced melonwater. I'm talking a pickle-rind on the beef-end of the barbeque. A spacemaker for the darkmind. Something you don't want your kids overhearing, that's for sure." Blather goes on to explain... "From what I can gather from my motherly intuition, gained from letting my husband ram his fluids into me and bearing his children, I believe these young teds are wrapping their tender little lips around the spout-hole of the mufflers while the cars are running. Just to get the flavor of the blacksmoke on the front of their teeth. Then they go around bragging about how many makes and models of cars they've 'jammed.' I'm not going to claim to be an expert on any of this, but some of the other mothers in the Troutflesh PTA agree that I'm really onto something here. With a name like Van 'Halen, what else could it mean?"


In order to get down to the dark and truthful facts, we stuck our head deep into the nectar of the scientific community to search for someone who might have answers. Doctor Jazz Moundgrinder, a medical professional in the field of smoke inhalation, had this to say: "I've heard of a muffler with a man on the end of it. Breathing in and out. You know what I mean? It's a grim shudder of a thought and I hate to think about it. But huffing hot-gas fumes is a real party if you want to get baked like a clam and have a shout with your friends, but I wouldn't recommend it. Sure I did it a bit in college when naked girls were cheering me on. I drank fresh smoke right out of the steel rod poking out of the back of my friend's van. That was while we were protesting Vietnam. It was a different time back then. With the war going on, we found ourselves in a new emotional paradigm, trying things we normally wouldn't try, resisting authority to such a degree that we sometimes dismissed social mores altogether. It was a feeling of spiritual freedom that most people don't really know. God those were some sweet times. OH! I'm sorry, I got a bit off topic. Yes, yes. I think these acts with the children and the fume pipes are a terrible disgrace to upstanding Americans like ourselves. Certainly very, very bad, yes."

After a few months of hard research and extensive local press coverage, we were contacted by the agent of rock singer David Lee Roth, who insisted that we cease and desist any slanderous jaw-turning about his band.

Once again, we spoke to Blather Turnjaw, who claims Van Halen's songs SPECIFICALLY ENORSE huffing fumes. She insists that the band formed as a direct result of finding out about smoke inhalation, and wanting to spread the message to the youth. She hypothesizes that "every song is a direct metaphor to smoke inhalation. Just because I've never actually SEEN young boys coddling automobile smokepipes doesn't mean it's not happening. Take 'Hot For Teacher' for example. 'Teacher' is clearly a metaphor for a metal rod. And being 'Hot' for 'Teacher' simply implies a strong desire to wrap one's lips around the muffler of a running car, just for the thrill. And the song 'Running With The Devil' is much the same. I'm fairly sure I heard a story once about a young man running alongside a school bus with his lips curled around the edges of the steampipe, huffing every last ounce of hotsmoke that came guzzling out. And I think that's precisely what David Lee Roth is singing about. The band is truly distasteful and I can't believe they can be so insensitive as to write songs about such a harmful topic."





Having heard the slanderous remarks made by Blather Turnjaw of the Troutfish PTA Squadron, David Lee Roth fired back with his own viewpoint: "I am truly hurt and bargled by the remarks. Made. Why say this? I am a longhaired jackrabbit with no time to mess with flaffs like this! Why me? I'm just an old jackrabbit. Hah Hah! Yeah I huffed a muff! What do you want??? LOL (David Lee Roth also coined the term "LOL" which means "Laughing Out Loud," a truly hilarious and groundbreaking man, wouldn't you agree?)!"

Getting Things Done Around The House: Perhaps Tomorrow

Longtime roommates Dayve and "Rag Bones" decided to finally get some work done around the house. According to Rag Bones, "the laundry hadn't been done for a few years. My bro Dayve and I just don't dig knobs and buttons [Refrencing the ones on the laundry machine]. They're so corporate and... like... you feel me? I mean, we really just wear bagged-out hoods and sweet sag-pants so we don't really usually see the point of washing these old bong stains off [laughs], I mean you know? Chicks still come over. We still got pussy crusin' our way."

After a short look around their living quarters, it was clear that marijuana consumption had been a key priority for the last few decades, weighing far heavier on the scale of importance than things like removing fast food wrappers from inside the shower and removing resin stains from the carpet.

"Yeah bro, Rag Bones and I just live a renegade lifestyle, you know?" Dayve says in between pulls from his oral fog steamer. "After high school things just chilled out, you know? It was only like twelve years ago, not too long ago. No big deal, you know? It's just like... we're just keeping it real and keeping the dream alive."

"Yeah, I got a sweet job over at Best Buy as a compact disc sales representative Team Leader," Dayve explains. "A lot of my friends are jealous at how successful I am. You know? I got a lot of money. That's how Rag Bones and I can afford this sweet one bedroom in the heart of suburbia, right bro? [laughs and hi-fives Rag Bones]"

Rag Bones seemed a bit uncomfortable when asked about his lifestyle and career, but as he spoke, he seemed to muster some level of feigned confidence. "Yeah bro. My mom and dad were both in real estate, so they hook me up with some sweet stuff like canned food and some money to help Dayve out with bills. Like Dayve said earler, you know... we were kind of the renegades in high school, and we're still living the legend, you know? I don't really work, you know? I mostly work on my rad drawings on my desktop PC that my parents got me my senior year. [Rag Bones hands me his most recent work]:



Dayve chimes in and mentions that "this is the earliest that Rag Bones and I have been up in years." I looked up and the clocked read 2:30pm. "Yeah, we're usually kinda afternoon style dudes, ya know? The morning is for like college professors and politicians. See, we're just a couple of young dudes keeping it real, feel me?"

I asked Rag Bones what his plans for the future were as he sipped his morning beer and took a puff of a hot silverfish. "Yeah... I think I'm going to try to get some of my art onto a cool blog or a website. I got pretty good at making sweet 4:20 art. I think I'm gonna try to sell my whole collection for a couple million to an art gallery in a couple years."

I asked Dayve what his ten year plan looked like. He explained that he saw himself as moving up the ranks and Best Buy, hopefully to become the "King Sales Chief" of the compact disc sales area.