Wednesday, June 8, 2011

1983 Consumer Reports: "Van 'Halin," A Disturbing New Trend With Soft-Faced Schoolboys

Above is an experienced artist's interpenetration of "Van 'Halin:" a terrible new trend that has been reported by PTA parents in the Troutflesh school district this year.

The rumor was started by Blather Turnjaw, a mother of three school-aged boys who INSISTS she thinks she might have seen "a couple of ruff-tuffs getting 'comfortable' with the hard-iron muffler of her sports utility vehicle." Blather explains...

"I didn't exactly witness the event firsthand. But a couple of the other neighborhood wives thought they heard or saw some kids talking about a new sexualart/fantasyact called Van 'Halin. I have no hard data or facts, only an experienced mother's hard-minded opinion. And I think what we're dealing with is some real sour-faced melonwater. I'm talking a pickle-rind on the beef-end of the barbeque. A spacemaker for the darkmind. Something you don't want your kids overhearing, that's for sure." Blather goes on to explain... "From what I can gather from my motherly intuition, gained from letting my husband ram his fluids into me and bearing his children, I believe these young teds are wrapping their tender little lips around the spout-hole of the mufflers while the cars are running. Just to get the flavor of the blacksmoke on the front of their teeth. Then they go around bragging about how many makes and models of cars they've 'jammed.' I'm not going to claim to be an expert on any of this, but some of the other mothers in the Troutflesh PTA agree that I'm really onto something here. With a name like Van 'Halen, what else could it mean?"

In order to get down to the dark and truthful facts, we stuck our head deep into the nectar of the scientific community to search for someone who might have answers. Doctor Jazz Moundgrinder, a medical professional in the field of smoke inhalation, had this to say: "I've heard of a muffler with a man on the end of it. Breathing in and out. You know what I mean? It's a grim shudder of a thought and I hate to think about it. But huffing hot-gas fumes is a real party if you want to get baked like a clam and have a shout with your friends, but I wouldn't recommend it. Sure I did it a bit in college when naked girls were cheering me on. I drank fresh smoke right out of the steel rod poking out of the back of my friend's van. That was while we were protesting Vietnam. It was a different time back then. With the war going on, we found ourselves in a new emotional paradigm, trying things we normally wouldn't try, resisting authority to such a degree that we sometimes dismissed social mores altogether. It was a feeling of spiritual freedom that most people don't really know. God those were some sweet times. OH! I'm sorry, I got a bit off topic. Yes, yes. I think these acts with the children and the fume pipes are a terrible disgrace to upstanding Americans like ourselves. Certainly very, very bad, yes."

After a few months of hard research and extensive local press coverage, we were contacted by the agent of rock singer David Lee Roth, who insisted that we cease and desist any slanderous jaw-turning about his band.

Once again, we spoke to Blather Turnjaw, who claims Van Halen's songs SPECIFICALLY ENORSE huffing fumes. She insists that the band formed as a direct result of finding out about smoke inhalation, and wanting to spread the message to the youth. She hypothesizes that "every song is a direct metaphor to smoke inhalation. Just because I've never actually SEEN young boys coddling automobile smokepipes doesn't mean it's not happening. Take 'Hot For Teacher' for example. 'Teacher' is clearly a metaphor for a metal rod. And being 'Hot' for 'Teacher' simply implies a strong desire to wrap one's lips around the muffler of a running car, just for the thrill. And the song 'Running With The Devil' is much the same. I'm fairly sure I heard a story once about a young man running alongside a school bus with his lips curled around the edges of the steampipe, huffing every last ounce of hotsmoke that came guzzling out. And I think that's precisely what David Lee Roth is singing about. The band is truly distasteful and I can't believe they can be so insensitive as to write songs about such a harmful topic."

Having heard the slanderous remarks made by Blather Turnjaw of the Troutfish PTA Squadron, David Lee Roth fired back with his own viewpoint: "I am truly hurt and bargled by the remarks. Made. Why say this? I am a longhaired jackrabbit with no time to mess with flaffs like this! Why me? I'm just an old jackrabbit. Hah Hah! Yeah I huffed a muff! What do you want??? LOL (David Lee Roth also coined the term "LOL" which means "Laughing Out Loud," a truly hilarious and groundbreaking man, wouldn't you agree?)!"

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