Friday, July 15, 2011

Unbelieveable Glory

Worldwide eyeball phenomenon and leading American browhair-length extraordinaire Malniferous Pondercut has given birth asexually to twin albecorian slickhaired screamers. Communicating using a series of alphabetical scorecards, Malniferous named his/her two youngest offspring Flame Junction and Steel Blade. As of Tuesday night, they will be officially ordained as part of the "Twin Sons" bicentennial Browhair Legacy Foundation's "Royal Review."

As many people already know, Malniferous is the son/daughter of Legendary look-absorber Pontificus BloodRevenge, the individual with the longest and most perfect recorded eyebrows and mustache known to civilization. But with that prestigious of a lineage comes considerable pressure. In his/her younger days, Malniferous was known to stay out late with "questionable breeds," often "rubbing leathers" with a ruffian miscreant or two along the way. As it was often reported in "Dog Feathers Worldwide Tribute" in the late nineteen seventies, Malniferous also occasionally partook in dog's marijuana (a cheaper, less-reliable form of the drug, boiled and distilled down to a level where dogs can begin to understand it's effects on the mind).

It was never quite understood what exactly pulled Malniferous out of the drug and sex filled stupor that ruled his/her younger days, but according to leading experts at the Brow Length program at Tableaux Royal University, he/she experienced enlightenment when his/her eyebrows and mustache reached an adequate length. Adequate enough to set his/her restless mind at peace and leave him/her with an everlasting feeling of spiritual tranquility that no man, beast or fiery war will never interrupt.

Now, with the birth of his/her two sons, Malniferous will be making a sizable donation to the "Brow Enhancement Research Fund for Fortunate Youths" to bequeath some of the hair-praise he/she received in his/her younger days to a new spawn of slickhairs. It will be with great pleasure that, upon the moment of his/her death, Malniferous is to have his/her browhair and mustache surgically removed and installed on the back of a sports car traveling the desert at extraordinarily high speeds. Malniferous explained in a recent interview with "Hair Hound Daily" that he/she wishes to re-live those dangerous and untamed days of his/her youth, but now, with the children, that is impossible. He/She (or part of him/her) will be a feather on the breeze in the next life, but not in this one.

It was reported that Sportscar Pedal Accelerator Operator Jergens Fourthwright III of Southwestern England has agreed to be the man to install Malniferous' hair upon the spoiler of his Ephigram Royal 5X B3. In a joint statement with his sponsors, Blumghust Motors and Edith Graham Dog Food, Jergens said "I feel a debt of gratitude to Malniferous and [it's] wonderful hair... produced as a result of a lineage that will be remembered forevermore."

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