Thursday, August 11, 2011

U.S. Army Presents: "Would-Stock" 1969

In response to the well-known counter culture festival of the same year, the U.S. Army felt it necessary to host a competing festival for "buttoned-up military types" as opposed to "loose haired faggots."

Upon hearing the news about Woodstock, General B.R. Slate Blambrock of The Catskills Military Training Grass Field said "we'll let those robe-wearing chicken-hawks have their dandy-doodle, but me and my boys will put on a little show of our own."

General Blambrock sent word out to personnel at all the surrounding military bases: "You close-cut boys don't have to feel short-changed by not being allowed to go to Woodstock with the hippy-dippies and their boring drugs and loud music. We're going to put on a little show of our own called 'Would-Stock.' As in, why WOULD you want to go to Woodstock?"

As it turns out, General Blambrock was unable to book any musical acts (aside from a few elderly Christian singers from the local gospel-hut to do a song-and-dance promenade) so he enlisted a few of the most elite Jet Fighters from the local air base to drive around in the fields with their afterburners on full blast for a "straight shot of sweltering American heat and joy."

On the day of the festival, many military families gathered in a green field under the sun to enjoy the day's activities. Many prepared mayonnaise-based meals while others picked single blades of grass and threw them back down again. Some young men even slapped a "high-five" to one another (assuming the high-ranking officers weren't looking).

But when the Jet Fighters arrived, the fun TRULY began. The jets started off on a slow but gradual taxi around the green field, but after a few minutes of slow play, the pilots fired the afterburners and drove their airships straight into the crowd... giving men, women and children something great to look at.

A few military military participants look back on memories of the festival with fondness:

"I thought it was a jim-dandy time. My father and I were some of the lucky few to have jets drive over our family picnic and squash our 'taters. It was truly hilarious!" -Private Grumder Feath

"My young daughter and I were there when the pilot's landing gear failed and the nose dropped into the crowd. It fell right on someone's bottle of mustard and squirted it all over their face." -Popcorn Lieutenant Pumper Clapflash

"My good friend Jacob stuck his hot dog into the jet's afterburner flame and cooked it. I remember him telling me how it was the best hot dog he'd ever tasted. He died of cancer a couple years later. But... back to Would-Stock! It was a great time. I wish I could go back and do it again!" -Colonel Ennerd Foghorn

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