Monday, August 29, 2011

Hope Instigator Supreme: "Crimson Blayde"

When times are tough for the students at Grape Berry High School in Tree-branch, Illinois, they have someone there looking out for their feelings and their well being. At least according to Horton Shrivel, the high school janitor, who also goes by the name "Crimson Blayde."

Mr. Shrivel claims he uses his mysterious alias to give kids "good feelings" and "for general security impressions." Though he claims his intentions are noble, some of the students claim his methods are a bit unorthodox.

One student, who declined his name be used in this interview, claimed to have a strange encounter with Mr. Shrivel:

"Yeah, so like I was in the bathroom stall making a rear drop. I guess I was groaning and sweating a bit. But anyway, someone started pounding on the stall door. So I said it was occupied. That's when I noticed the red shoes. It was the janitor, Crimson Blayde. Instead of listening to me, he crawled underneath the door and started to rub my ankles. He told me that "destiny awaits in the plummage pot" and he pulled my sock down, tucked a piece of hard candy into it and slithered back out the way he came making clicking sounds."

Another student describes his abnormal experience:

"So I was standing at the piss drain doing a Mississippi hose-down and I hear a deep voice tell me that destiny has plans for me. I turned around and saw the Janitor. I know it was him because he dresses like a comic hero or something. He always carries a red broom on his back and his mop has a medieval-style mace made out of a urinal cake with pencils coming out of it. Anyway...the janitor came right up behind me and started to jiggle my fat rolls. He started to make noises like a snake hissing and put a lollypop down the front of my t-shirt pocket."

When interviewed, Mr. Shrivel had very little to say about the incidents. He spoke instead of his personal manifesto. "I have special weapons that help me clean the down ground. If I see someone he have a hard time make drop, I give him sugar sweets. I name myself Crimson Blayde because my broom-sword is so bad. If I see a brown on the ground I smash it with my sword and sweep the pieces."

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