Tremendous Isolated Achievement

The following text is reprinted with the permission of "Baldur's Dragon Scroll" Monthly Newsletter.

////Pliff////Freeze Time Spell////Pliff////

"It's no surprise that the world's top scientists have been unable to properly calculate the mind's energy expended on such honorable pursuits as online medieval warfare but today...we are one step closer to realizing that some of earth's brightest stars pursue life-quests on the digital plane. I can only hope that my forage into a sodium and refined sugar-rich diet was not for naught...but for a cause brimming with glory. A challenge to a higher plane of the shining rays of hope." -Suicide Note From Wharp Flameshield, former Internet Game Player

It is with great regret that I must inform you that Wharp Flameshild, a semi-respected game player has decided to take his own life by falling on his replica ninja sword today. To make matters worse, the sword was made of a low grade Chinese "metal-like" substance, laced with led and cheap plastic so he died not of the small abrasion to his hip but to the ensuing infection.

May we all bow our heads in a moment of silence as we picture the Majestic Mountains of Iso-Lor and the smoking tar pits of Blorkus-Shanner.

In another bit of news, the above picture was taken of me by my stupid brother, Nedrew. He blackmailed me into putting it into the newsletter. Earlier this morning, he found my stash of Chinese Girl action figures with all of their outfits taken off underneath my bed. He took pictures with his camera and said he'd tell mom and dad I was wiggling my thumper to action dolls if I didn't take a degrading picture and post it in this newsletter. He gave me a towel, a clothes pin and a pair of my sister's recently worn wrestling underwear and told me to dress up like a "gay forest elf" and pose with my Warp Craft box. I am sorry to bring you down even further after the already bad news.

On an uplifting note, I discovered that I am growing some hair underneath my peaches in the "end zone." Some of the people that I hang out with have already entered the "mysterious phase" where red forces begin to appear on their forehead and their voices become that of warriors instead of cabin boys. I am excited when I am able to leave the realm of my parent's and get a castle of my own one day. But until then I have to put up with stupid gay Nedrew and all of his taunting.

Swords of Eleandor!

////Plowr////Dark Smoke////Plowr////

-Dark Whisper The Vigilante

Fhal Kill Mur's Hidden Village

"My Hidden Village is a testament to all I've accomplished as an actor. Most notably my work on Batman Forever [Kill Mur pauses to take a massive bite of a submarine sandwich] the epitome of human achievement and spiritual forcewill."
-Fhal Kill Mur

Former A-List actor Fhal Kill Mur has recently opened a low-grade amusement park based solely on his past projects. Vhal named the park "Hidden Village" in remembrance of his performance in the oft-overlooked and critically dismissed 80s picture "Willow."

The park was built last year by Fhal and a couple of migrant workers over the course of a few weekday afternoons (with a few siestas tucked in for good measure). The result: an underwhelming smattering of wood and scrap-steel based rides and booths for picture viewing. The following is a list of attractions:



1.) "The Blue Flash." A roller coaster that evokes Val Kilmer's career-making performance in Heat.



2.) "Wooden Wonderland." A ride based off of the Fhal Kill Mur-starring pornography drama "Wonderland" that was released in the early two-thousands.



3.) "Batman Forever: The Revenge Of The Riddler." This is an action packed, fully horizontal land-based ride Fhal has dedicated to his successful addition to the batman franchise.

Admission to the park is $7.95 and each ticket purchase comes with a fresh home-made submarine sandwich from Fhal's own kitchen. Many people don't know this but Fhal is a pryme sandwich enthusiast and has a certificate of completion from the Subway "Sandwich Artist" training academy. His recent weight gain and ballooning facial features are considered a result of his new found obsession for refined carbohydrates.

Blord: The King Wood Toucher

(This article has been reprinted with permission from The Wood Elf Herald, an online publication for underdeveloped adults.)

WOOD ELF HERALD
Feature Article By Blayde St. Revenge

I met Blord at Flosh Grudens Community College in 1997. While the other kids went to class, we would go back behind the bushes and play with our action hero figures. Blord was Kraft from Ringlords and I was Bowman from Slyngers. We would knock our guys together until our moms came and picked us up in their minivans. After the first few weeks our moms realized we weren't going to class so they made us quit college. So I was forced to get a job at the mall working at Fruit Blendz Drinks For Men. But Blord took it all really hard, the break up and all. All I remember is that he said "Dark Forces Are At Work" and he picked up a medium-sized log and ran full speed into the New Jersey Pine Barrens. I literally haven't seen or heard from in in a year. But apparently other people have. I took some testimonials from people in the area that have seen him wandering the wyld plains:

"I was walking my dog through the pine barrens and I saw a large man with long hair attempting to hide behind a small sized rock. I literally walked right past him and he kept adjusting himself in some sort of feeble attempt to stay out of sight. Not only did I see him, but I was concerned that he was some sort of deranged woodsman that wished me or my dog harm. So I confronted him. I just asked if he had a problem. Then all of a sudden he began to screech at an ear piercing decibel. He the stood up violently, continuing to scream, picked up a giant hunk of wood and galloped away at a frantic but awkward pace towards dense wooded cover."
-Dr. Berri Snyder

"I was out birdwatching on the south end of the pine barrens and I heard a squirrel making warning noises. The warning noises got louder and louder then stopped altogether. Then I saw a giant oaf of a man fall about 75 feet out of an pine tree and land flat on his back. He seemed to be in some distress but he got up and in his right hand was a dead squirrel. He picked up what appeared to be a giant hunk of wood. That's when he noticed me standing about 200 yards away with binoculars. His eyes began to glow red and he barked like a dark Tasmanian wolfhound and shot off into the darkness."
-Hobby Pinkle

"It all started when I was picking blackberries off a massive tangle of vines last summer. I saw a huge clump in the far back row, just at the end of my reach. I had to stretch deep into the bush to get them. While I was straining I felt like there was someone behind me, but by the time I turned around a large, naked man with long black hair had already stolen my bucket of berries and was making a bee line for the trees. I was less upset and more just amazed that someone would steal berries. So I watched him run about 300 feet away. He stopped in the middle of a clearing and began to softly urinate on a pile of leaves. I used that time as my opportunity to sneak up behind him. I got closer and closer and he seemed not to notice my advance. Once I got to within a foot or two, I planned on just reaching down and stealing my berries back but the man quickly spun around, and let out a blood curdling snarl, revealing razor sharp serrated teeth. I quickly ran back to my car and drove home."
-Bonnie Tyler