Sunday, March 11, 2018
This article has been reprinted with permission from the Alabama Cornrustler News LLC, 2006
Due to the boundless sexual appetites of wild boars in coastal Alabama, the population sizes have spun out of the Lord's control. As a result, millions of dollars of damage have been inflicted on local bump crops, property and hot garbage bags left on the curb. This dire situation has left local Alabama residents scrambling, fever-praying in sweaty living rooms and desperately grasping empty palmfuls of air for a solution.
Enter local robotics/toy enthusiast Grayg Handstanwich. His solution? Scare the wits out of mating boar couples mere moments before planned copulation. The method? A robotic, radio controlled "Terror Wolf" with glowing red eyes and a mane of sweet, beige hair to aid in distracting and confusing the hot-to-trot oinkers.
Grayg originally conceived the Terror Wolf idea while watching an episode of Galaxy Boys, his favorite television program. During the episode, lead character Swoop and his sidekick Grungle Jr. get into a bind when they are cornered by a Star Beast deep in the forests of Ronhunkus. That's when Grayg got the Lord's blessing in the form of a brilliant mind-blast that he could use this Star Beast concept to solve his city's own dilemma.
It took only six months, along with some donations from local investors, to get his idea fleshed and furred out.
"We took our prototype Terror Wolf 'Jim' out for a field test and he worked like the dickens, let me tell you. You see, Jim uses infrared technology to sense sexual desires from deep within the boars. We can see them like little ding-dots on a map. In fact, using Jim's sensors, I can pinpoint the millisecond when the boars form an erection. That's when I enable Jim's 'attack' feature. In seconds, Jim comes crashing through the bushes, scaring the living daylights out of the male and female boars seconds before the moment of divine penetration. Fog and laser SFX were also added to Jim's arsenal to heighten the mood of pure terror."
"So imagine you're a boar with a strong sexual desire and you lock eyes with a beautiful female, who is ready and willing to do a breed-and-feed. Just when you get ready to mount her, you hear a hellish barking noise, you see the bushes shake violently, fog and smoke come pouring out, and then two piercing red eyes, long teeth and a mound of tan fur come flying at you like a devil's dust storm!"
We had a chance to see Grayg field-test Jim on a couple of local hogs back behind the Cornrustler building. We watched from afar as the male boar began sniffing the female's genital area, deep in a haze of lustful desire. That's when Grayg powered Jim on. Within moments, Jim was pounding through the brush, making a bee-line for the mating pair. Just before the tip of the boar's penis entered the curved halls of the female's entrance chamber, Jim came lunging out of the bushes in a sea of smoke, flashing red lights...and the chorus of "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by Scorpions.
"Yeah, we added that song to Jim's sound system just for fun. It plays during all the attacks now," Grayg says in between hearty chuckles. "Scares the shit out of the boars. They hate the chorus."
While the long-term efficacy of Grayg's project is yet to be determined, the short term effectiveness is clear. Based on our observations, the primal fear in the boars' eyes, and the speed at which the boar's erection was annihilated post-attack, we have faith that Jim is the Wolf that will save Alabama.
Posted by Adamantium at 2:07 PM