Hacker Profile: Shadowlord 5000

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In a deliberate act of retribution, revered computer hacker "Shadowlord 500" fired a "wizard orb" virus into his ex-girlfriend Pat's Unicorn website, littering the homepage with lude images. The news of the incident has traveled to every corner of the hacker community. While many consider the vengeful act amusing, some consider it to be disgraceful to the hacker code of ethics.

As it turns out, Shadowlord's motives for revenge are fueled by anger and jealousy. To shed more light on the topic, we spoke to a source close with Shadowlord 5000, who explained to us that "Shadowlord is a Level 6 Giga-Prophet but an emotionally sensitive keyboard warrior, who's only Achilles heel was losing his true love to the fleshy embrace of another." We can only glean from that statement that Shadowlord is upset because his girlfriend cheated on him.

We were lucky enough to secure an interview with Shadowlord's ex-girlfriend Pat on her way to work at Tubby's Burger Shed. She explained to us that she was never untrue to Shadowlord, who she addressed as Derek. She said she went out to get a cup of ice cream at Blork's Cold Den with her study partner, Bod Funkus. But when Shadowlord rode by on his mountain bike, presumably after following her to the store to spy on her, he become emotionally crushed when he saw the two together. Shadowlord lost his bearings in the heat of the moment and crashed his bike into the curb right in front of the ice cream store window and tore the front of his jeans open. She explains the incident as extremely embarrassing for her, Bod and especially Shadowlord. She said after Shadowlord crashed, he picked himself up off the ground exposing a massive riff in the fabric of his "Old Tenor" denim jeans. Through the riff, everyone at the ice cream store had a full frontal view of his exposed privates, which were horribly scratched from the collision with the concrete. Everyone at the store broke into wild and furious laughter leading Shadowlord to hop back on his bent and broken bicycle and make the agonizing ten mile journey home in bitter tears of rage and confusion.

She said ever since then Shadowlord has failed to return her phonecalls and refuses to walk down the halls at school. Instead, she says he spends all day in the computer lab doing independent study with a moist towelette wrapped around his dasher. She hopes that they can one day be friends again and she has no hard feelings about the virus he infected her website with. "For the record," she says, "I haven't updated that unicorn website since Jr. High when I made it. All I care about now is spending time with my new boyfriend, Bod Funkus, the sweatiest most bulging man on the legball hustlers."