Monday, May 16, 2011

Science Crotch

A scientific emergency has gripped our nation in a blinding fervor this month, as American specialists have confirmed that there is a massive shortage of laser technology in several countries with the minimal requirement of MicDunalds food chains. As many subscribers probably don't know, lasers are not only used in skin treatments and listening to music, but they are also used in hair removal procedures, movie viewing, data reading, eye treatment, light measurements and visual entertainment. Some lasers are even applicable on the battlefield of war and fighting.

Without modern laser technology, people in Africa have had to resort to using Ancient Magic Laser Eyes, and while this sounds impressive, these lasers can only be used to send signals to other tribes. Laser color is also incredibly limited (red only, and sometimes orange if it's a shaman). In the meantime, military officials and charity groups have been fixating on providing the locals with trivial things, such as medical aid, food, educational books and protection against terrorists and warmongering dictators. Unfortunately, no matter how much they read, they can't play a CD or get rid of their back hair.

"Our efforts have been diverted and we've been distracted," says Attorney General Rick Godwizard, "we've promised these people democracy and a place at our side as we take that laser bridge into the future, and instead they're eating frozen honey and getting addicted to methadone."

Coverage for this story was brought to you by our sponsor and a special interest group, CLIT (Cultural Laser Initiative Tribune)

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