Monday, September 26, 2011
"I installed heat sensitive cameras inside my daughter's bathroom to ensure that she isn't getting warm feelings thinking about boys." -Elder Faithdust "Nooper" Placard
Nobody is more outspoken against male/female relations than Nooper, the popular Mormon Recording Artist. Though Nooper isn't his birth name, it was given to him by friends and family because of how often he says the word "nope" in a funny way due to his North Dakota accent.
Nooper became a popular name in the booming Mormon Recording Industry in the late nineteen seventies. Performing such hits as "NO NIGGERS IN THE PRIESTHOOD" (1977), "I LIKE BLACK PEOPLE (FOR THE LORD NOW SAYS IT'S OKAY)" (1978), MY NEIGHBORS SON KISSED A BOY AND HE IS BEING EX-COMMUNICATED" (1981), "THE HUMBLE WHITE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS/UPPER CLASS HOME" (1985), "MY MINIVAN" (1992), "MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER HEAVY PET, I GUARANTEE IT" (1999), "DREAMS OF 9-11" (2001), "DON'T HOLD HANDS WITH MY DAUGHTER--OR TOUCH HER--OR LOOK AT HER" (2002), "SEXUALITY OUGHT TO BE REPRESSED--AND THE ENSUING MENTAL ILLNESS MUST BE STAVED OFF WITH CONSTANT READINGS OF 'PEARL OF GREAT PRICE' IN THE BOOK OF MORMON" (2005), "MARIE OSMOND'S SON DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS A REPRESSED HOMOSEXUAL. HE KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE THE MORNING STAR ENTERED HIS BLOODSTREAM AND MADE HIM LUSTFUL TOWARDS A MAN FOR A TEMPORARY PERIOD (BUT HE HAD THE POWER TO FIGHT IT)."
Now that he has entered his golden years, his daughter is of legal dating age--and Elder Nooper has TRULY gone off the deep end to protect his daughter. Acting out in response to his own sexual repression and deep seated insecurities, he's written an album entitled "Don't Dance Too Close To Female." He's distributed a copy to every male at her high school in hopes it will ward off any sexual feelings of lustful moisture towards his daughter.
DON'T DANCE TOO CLOSE TO FEMALE
1.) JOSEPH SMITH DIDN'T BELIEVE IN INTERCOURSE (AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU)
2.) MALE PRESIDES OVER FEMALE
3.) FEMALE IS SUBORDINATE (AND MUST OBEY HER FATHER)
4.) GLAD TIDINGS FROM ONE TEENAGER TO ANOTHER (WITHOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT)
5.) PRESERVE YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAVENLY WHITE ROBES
6.) ONE DAY YOU WILL HAVE YOUR OWN MINIVAN
7.) DADDY'S CELESTIAL WONDER
8.) TOGETHER FOREVER (IN THE BONDS OF FAMILY IN WHITE ROBES)
9.) STAR MAKER (I DON'T WANT BLACK PEOPLE ON THE PLANET I CREATE-SORRY GOD)
10.) MODERN AMERICAN CONSERVATIVE VALUES ARE MY APPLE PIE (LOVE ETERNAL)
We were fortunate enough to catch up with Veronica Placard (the daughter) for a brief interview regarding her father's over-protective behavior. This is what she had to say:
"I totally forgot to take my birth control last night. I was pounding whiskey with Greg, Antonio, and D'Shawn and we smoked a whole $20.00 marijuana purchase. Anyway, I had relations with like one of them...or maybe more...haha...I don't remember but the point is...I forgot to take my birth control. Anyway, I'm going to have my friend Amber hit me in the belly with a broomhandle in a month or two to make sure I'm not pregnant. I can't go to the pharmacy to get Plan B or to Planned Parenthood because my dad insists on driving me everywhere in his minivan. The only reason I was lucky enough to party last night was because we did it upstairs in church while my cousin Jobe was getting baptized."
Posted by Adamantium at 2:22 PM