Thursday, January 10, 2013

Chimichanga Richard

“Sometimes I’m overcome with emotions of warm, soft beef and I begin to sweat from my arm zone and strange feelings come across my heart.” -Chimichanga Richard

Whenever local food man Richard Dungameyer so much as pictures a Chimichanga in his mind, he is rendered physically useless, falling into a sort of strange sexual trance where his mouth falls agape and his hands move slowly to the front of his lap where he undoes the front of his jeans and begins massaging himself through his underwear.  Normally, behind closed doors, this behavior would be tolerable--if not a bit strange.  But Mr. Dungameyer never does this in private.  He generally performs this kind of activity in the booths of fast food restaurants like Hot Plate Jim's, Crowded Terry's, or The Oiled Chicken Leg on West 52nd.  

Richard's arrest warranted reads like a shopping list.  He's been cited for indecent exposure over 45 times across a period of 12 years in Horkin County alone.  But Richard insists he's not in the wrong.  

"I lead a life of quiet and tarnished damnation.  Sure, my hands slide near my Jimmy when I think about hot sauce beef, but it's not my intention, Lord.  No, sir."

Mr. Dungameyer insists that he suffers from a rare brain disorder known as Chimichanga-Washout, where at the mere thought of ingesting a Chimichanga Meal (with a side of Mexican rice and fat-boiled brown beans) his physical body remains grounded but his soul and consciousness are brought to a spiritual realm he refers to as "The Outer."  While in The Outer, he is able to place an order at a mystical fast food counter made of fog and smoke.  As you would probably guess, Richard always orders the Chimichanga without hesitation.  And he gets it too.  Richard explained that when he gets his "dream Chimichanga," it tastes even better than store bought food.  "And cheaper too," he adds.

When asked about his plans for the future, Richard says "oh, not much I guess.  Just probably go to a hot food establishment and rub up on my Jimmy."

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