Friday, March 7, 2014

Pvt. First Class Dooty Nee (LEFT) to reporter: "I am far better looking than Elvis Presley any day of the week!"

From an archived copy of The "Tuscaloosa Toot" Newspaper, published February 6th, 1955:

Take casual notice of the young man standing to the left of Elvis Presley with his top-lip curled up into a dark and mysterious frown-grin.  This man is none other than Pvt. First Class Dooty Nee of Trout Grunder, North Mississippi.  According to Mr. Nee himself, "the world is one great big dung heap and I'm at the top of it because of my chiseled good looks and strong jaw's line."  

You may not be surprised to learn that among the members of Groark's 51st "Special" Infantry Unit on this U.S. Army Platoon's personnel base in Glunk-Blimdunk-Hanker County on the Arkansas/Tennessee border, Pvt. Dooty Nee ranks among the least popular.  In fact, directly after Mr. Nee made this statement to us, a couple of fellow infantry men poured a pot of spoiled boiled hen all over Pvt. Nee's lap, creating a stench so unholy that certain members of our news organization projectile vomited onto the airstrip, which was 5 meters away.

On a brighter note, it's no secret that none other than Elvis "Pussyfaucet Knobturner" Presley is also a proud member of this very same Personnel Unit.  In fact, Elvis garnered worldwide news attention for his decision to join the Army back before his penis was badly damaged from smashing it into a few underage girls in the dark and dismal Southern winter of 1954.  When asked to comment about the crude and unseemly behavior other infantrymen displayed towards Pvt. First Class Nee, Elvis only replied that he "felt a tingle downstairs and had to step into the restroom."

We met again with Pvt. First Class Nee to get his opinion on sharing an Infantry Unit with none-other than the King of teen-aged music (and underage ram-jamming) and, sure enough, he replied with a comment so boisterous and left-field that even god himself threw up through the cracks in his fingers: "I am far better looking than Elvis Presley any day of the week!  I am, by f--." As it turns out, in the middle of his sentence, Dooty's strong overbite suddenly became firmly and inexplicably tangled in his lip-flesh, causing him to squeal in immense pain.  Blushing almost to the point of aneurism, Pvt. Nee then kneeled over awkwardly and began the arduous process of untangling his tender lip-flesh from around and between the grooves in his piano-like upper white-biters.  After a frustrated and hurried mess of fumbling and squeaks, Nee rose quickly to his feet and began stammering on in a clear last-ditch-effort to save face in front of his fellow infantrymen, who by then had already begun to form an impromptu "circle of humiliation" around the young buck-toothed private.  "I-I-I can sing way better than Elvis and the girls love me and the way I-I-I move my hip structure..." By then it was clear that the couple dozen-or-so infantrymen that had gathered in an almost-complete circle were there for no other reason than to gawk and laugh at the pitiful and tragic existence of the oral-layout and jawbone-challenged young man.  

Snapping to his senses and realizing that he had once again become the subject of a wealth of painfully vitriolic, crude and remorseless put-downs by his peers, Pvt. Dooty suddenly--and without warning--broke into a fit of violent tears and high-octave screaming and began tearing away at an almost superhuman speed toward a patch of distant foothills.

After hearing some of the commotion, Elvis Presley came swaggering out of one of the barracks, followed by three underage girls, clearly ruffled and unkempt from hours of unprotected intercourse.

"The hell's goin' on out here?" Elvis asked, slyly, in between breezy chuckles.

One of the infantrymen replied back that "Ol' Nee decided to run up in them hills--probably for good!"

As it turned out, Pvt. First Class Nee kept running into the horizon until he disappeared into the forest, never to be seen again. 


*Tuscaloosa Historic Society Vice Curator Bunger Frund notes that it was later discovered that Pvt. First Class Dooty Nee ended up making a permanent home up in those foothills, never to be seen again by any living person after his sudden sprint into the green horizon back in 1955.  Years after his death, a few hikers found his remains in a ramshackle cabin made almost entirely of human dung and small stones.  Inside the cabin, there were dozens of small statues Pvt. Nee made of himself.  Scrawled into those statues were various brags and sayings about how much better looking Nee was than Presley and how Nee was a far better singer and dancer.  [R.I.P Pvt. First Class Dooty Nee 1935-1955 "An American Hero"]

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