Monday, June 12, 2017

Terri Lost Everything

A Cincinnati publication that focuses specifically on the mental fortitude
Issue 274

As the mist slowly crept back over the jagged and unforgiving black mountains of eternity, a local mechanic and jackrabbit named Terri Gringer, Jr. was swept into the unyielding gaze of doom, rendering his mind and body totally atrophied under its endless crushing weight.

We spoke to Bunky JamJam (one of Terri's closest friends and co-workers) about what happened and what he saw:

"I work with Terri and he is a great guy. Probably one of the most chill dudes I know. I really just saw a change in him today. He was flippin' a wrench on my bro Flingus' old Mazda Miata. He is so sick when it comes to replacing struts, it's insane. Anyway, yeah, out of the corner of my eye I saw Terry jerk a little bit and drop his wrench. He just got super tense and his eyes just started, like, bulging out of his head. I just don't know what's up with him, we were supposed to go out to Jake's Beer Drinking Place tonight to drink beers out of beer cups but now...I just don't know..."


One can never attempt to fully understand the complexities of the mind. Ever since Terri's story got out, countless specialists have speculated as to what could have turned one of Cincinnati's most legendary wrench turners into a complete catatonic. 

It has now been six long years since that horrible mind disaster and Terri is still mentally and muscularly-locked and as tense as a bridge wire on a windy day. His wife (Nanner Widget-Gringer) promptly left him mere moments after his medical emergency. She stated that she wanted to be with a "real man." 

Nanned explained that the "last time I saw Terri was the day when he went stiff. I saw saw him cling to Bill's shirt in pure terror that day and I thought to myself 'I can't be with a guy with problems.' In fact, I knew then that need a lot more money to feel like I'm really happy in life so I divorced Terri by mail that same night and married a few men that I met at Jake's Beer Drinking Place. They bought me beers inside beer cups. We went to a hotel later. I love them."

With all these events occurring, we could't help but feel for Terri in his profoundly grim situation. We went to visit Terri at the International Center for Existential Dread and he was in a very similar state to when he was first afflicted. His eyes had a deep glaze and nearly every muscle group in his body was still clenched as tight as ever. 

Bunky, his old pal from the auto mechanic shop, was visiting with him bedside. Still in his mechanic garb and blue work shirt, Bunky hunched over Terri's twisted frame and spoke sweetly and softly into Terri's ear. It was then that we noticed he was reading passages. As we discovered, he makes a special visit to Terri's room every night to read from his favorite books.


"My Faith in the Sword" by Jones Boss
"How They're Made: Tater Tots" by Pibby Rugg and Boon Nip-Nodbod
"Widget's Naughty Place" by Yip Schooner

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