Monday, June 12, 2017

Terri is scared today!

A Cincinnati publication that focuses specifically on the mental fortitude
Issue 274

As the mist slowly crept back over the jagged and unforgiving black mountains of eternity, a local mechanic and jackrabbit named Terri Gringer, Jr. was swept into the unyielding gaze of doom--rendering his mind and body totally atrophied under its endless crushing weight.

We spoke to one of his close friends and co-workers Bunky Jamjam about what he saw:

"I work with Terri and he is a great guy. Probably one of the most chill dudes I know. I really just saw a change in him today. He was flippin' a wrench on my bro Flingus' old Mazda Miata. He is so sick when it comes to replacing struts, it's insane. Anyway, yeah, out of the corner of my eye I saw Terry jerk a little bit and drop his wrench. He just got super tense and his eyes just started--like--bulging out of his head. I just don't know what's up with him, we were supposed to go out to Jake's Beer Drinking Place tonight to drink beers out of beer cups but I just don't know..."


One can never attempt to fully understand the complexities of the mind of a mechanic. Many great minds have speculated as to what could have turned one of Cincinnati's most legendary wrench turners into a complete catatonic. It has now been six long years since that horrible mind disaster and Terri is still mentally and muscularly-locked and as tense as a bridge wire on a windy day. 

His wife Nanner Widget-Gringer promptly left him mere moments after his medical emergency, stating that she wanted to be with a "real man." 

"Last time I saw Terri was that day when he went stiff. I saw saw him cling to Bill's shirt later that night and I thought to myself that I can't be with a guy with problems. In fact, I need a lot more money to feel like I'm happy. I divorced Terri by mail that same night and married a few men that I met at Jake's Beer Drinking Place that night. They bought me beers inside beer cups and we went to a hotel later. I love them."

We went to visit Terri at the International Center for Existential Dread and he was in a very similar state. His eyes now have a deep glaze and nearly every major and minor muscle group in his body is still clenched as tight as ever. Bill, his boss from the auto mechanic shop, was visiting with him bedside. Still in his mechanic garb and blue work shirt, Bill hunched over Terri's twisted frame as he spoke sweetly and softly into Terri's ear. It was then that we noticed he was reading passages out of a book about Tater Tots. As we discovered, Bill makes a special visit to Terri's room every night to read passages from his favorite books, including:

-My Faith in the Sword by Jones Boss
-How They're Made: Tater Tots by Pibby Rugg and Boon Nip-Nodbod
-Widget's Naughty Place by Yip Schooner

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