Rumplestiltskin BaskinRobbins "I am Danvid Bonie"

 

The following are excerpts are from an audio interview *recorded on a four track cassette* with local David Bowie impersonator "Rumplestiltskin BaskinRobbins" (born Derek Jones) from the small hamlet of Heaven's Den, Indiana. The following interview was conducted in January of 1996 and published in local bi-yearly music magazine BUMPY JERRY. Interview conducted by Brownsburg Community college student Ben Smith.

BS: Hi RB, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us today. 

RB: "Crystal stardust has its ways."

BS: It, uh...it certainly does.

RB: "I am fine."

BS: *Interviewer shuffles papers uncomfortably* Yes, uh. According to our records, it appears you've been a David Bowie impersonator for nearly 15 years. Tell us what drew you to this line of work.

RB: "See him shaking in the trash can, oh man look at that cape men go. It's the finkiest show."

BS: There's no doubt of your devotion to your craft by any measure. Could you tell us what it was like growing up a David Bowie fan in the god-fearing state of Indiana?

RB: *Mr. BaskinRobbins begins to squirm and make snake-like movements with his arms, hissing quietly* "I was born in a discount hospital."

BS: Next question, how did you decide upon the stage name Rumplestiltskin BaskinRobbins?

RB: "I ate a taco that was 11 months old and felt so sick so I ate some ice cream to feel better and my hair started to grow twice as fast as it ever did."

BS: Our records indicate you planned and performed a solo tour exclusively in Arby's parking lots across the greater Brownsburg area in August and September of 1992. Can you tell us about what compelled you to grind out your tunes on that white-striped concrete for America's beef-heads?

RB: "5 for 5 is still alive. Rock and roll will survive."

BS: There's no doubt there. I couldn't help but notice you bear a striking resemblance to Stardust-era Bowie, especially with the red hairdo and all. Would you say the Ziggy period was Bowie's strongest as an artist?

RB: *Mr. BaskinRobbins begins to pull what appears to be ground beef out of his jean's 5th pocket and attempts to eat it discretely while hunched over, breathing heavily out of his mouth, spilling remains on the tile floor.*

BS: Last question sir before we let you get going. And thank you so much for your time by the way. Do you have any upcoming plans for your next tour? It says here that you are planning a winter tour in '97. 

RB: *Begins to snarl in a low animal voice. Stands up suddenly on the chair before dropping into a low crouch, only to jump up through the office ceiling panels, disappearing completely into the rafters of the complex. The last noises on the tape are shuffling and heavy breathing that slowly dissipate into complete silence.*

END AUDIO 

***BUMPY JERRY archives indicate this was the last time anyone saw Rumplestiltskin BaskinRobbins from that point forward.