Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Science Doctors and Field Researchers have discovered the cure to ugliness. It lies in the bloodstream of "Jad:" Price of the Boys. "Jad" was discovered encased in ice deep in the Antarctic. He was believed to be preserved there by members of "the Brotherhood of Jad," a dynasty of bodyguards sworn to protect his legacy and his beauty for it to be preserved over time.
As it turns out, Jad was born in the year -982 Before Lord. He was born with a full head of long, smooth hair, a open blue shirt, and a light brown leather coat--as well as a few charming neck-laces. His parents decided then that he should live forever, so they froze him in a block of ice and enclosed a note that read: "Whoever should uncover this boy, thaw him out for one minute and put him back into the ice for another hundred years."
And so it went. Every one hundred years, the secret "Brotherhood of Jad" thawed Jad out and gave him a bite of good food and a nice hand job and put him back into the ice to rest. Now, in the year 2011, Jad is only a 16 year old, even though he's been around for thousands of years.
American Scientists, working hand-in-hand with Brotherhood members, thawed Jad out and gave him a fun-size snickers bar while a firm-handed stooge gave him a hand-jammer in his undercarriage. Brotherhood members allowed American Scientists to take a small vial of his blood in order to, hopefully, discover a cure for ugliness that has plagued America for centuries.
Now that the news is out about a possible cure for pizza-faced ugliness, we took to the streets to ask uglies and hum-dots their opinions on Jad's cure:
"I havn't had a hand on my rigumtorts in years. Not since a man tripped and fell and his hand dipped into one of them on a subway car back in 1975. Once he noticed he touched them, he took a small saw out of his backpack and sawed his own hand off in fear that my ugliness would infect his man-paw."
"I was born with sour warts all over my noggin. After I came out of my mother, the Doctor quit and took of his robes and both my parents jumped out the 7th floor window into some shrubbery and ran off. Ever since then I've lived in the ventilation ducts of the hospital I was born in, feasting on fuzzy-lumpers and dust bunnies for breakfast lunch and dinner. Perhaps if Jad's cream works, I can begin to eat things that aren't entirely composed of floor sweepings and balls of hair and dead skin."
Posted by Adamantium at 9:12 AM