Tuesday, February 1, 2011

DUI Dads: Trying Not To Disappoint Our Sons

"Before my third DUI, I hit a couple of kids on a school crosswalk. I drove to the carwash and sprayed the teeth and bone fragments off my hood. Then I called my son and asked if he could give me a ride home. He wouldn't give me a ride so I decided to drive myself. On the way home I hit two more kids on the same crosswalk. Then I had to go BACK to the same carwash and wash more teeth and bone fragments off my hood. By then, my car looked like shit. I wondered how I'd explain to my wife how it got so dinged up. Two blocks from my house, I got pulled over for changing lanes without a turn signal. It was bullshit."
-Doovy Wetpool

After I got my third DUI, I got my car taken away. Now I have to ride my "Volcano Lava" Mountain bike that I got from Target for $99.99. I usually ride on the sidewalk and the shoulder of the freeway to get to work. Most other bike riders use the bike lane but since I'm a DUI Dad, I take the sidewalk to try to convince myself that I'm not a reject and a shame to society and my family. I like to think that I'm just in "a transitional phase." Sooner or later, when we get a new president and a smaller government, I think I can get my car back and get my life back together.

For now, though I'm trying not to cry while I ride my bike. I get really sad when I think about my family. Mostly, I just think about my son Metlock and what a good boy he is and how he hardly ever answers my phone calls anymore. Just last week, I offered to pick him up on my Volcano Lava Mt. Bike and take him out to Dennard's for a breakfast hotfeast, but he wasn't interested. He said he was going out to Rich's High-Dollar Money Feast at the Gold Coin Hotel Top Floor with his friends.

I think tomorrow, I'm going to get a new pair of windbreaker cargo pants and a new cotton face-shield so I can impress my son with my new "fresh" look. I think if I can maintain the illusion of a sidewalk-bike professional, I can earn back his trust.

I've also recently joined an online community group called "DUI Dad's of North America's Sidewalks." It's a place where I can go and talk to people just like me who prefer to ride their bikes on sidewalks and freeways--to help delude ourselves into thinking that we're upstanding members of society.

1 comment:

  1. "Mostly, I just think about my son Metlock and what a good boy he is and how he hardly ever answers my phone calls anymore."

    The turn of phrase here, the prose... I love it so I'll marry it.