Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Horse Rage (uncontrollable)

KNEBRASKA, HORNSLIVER - It's probably not known that some of our staff members and their loved ones have mixed feelings about musclecries, but as professional journalists, we've set our opinions aside and have decided to cut straight to the sop.

In a friendly rolling hills county among the weeping willows and the howling church goers of WalMarg Amirka, you can't find a more animal-friendly region. There is no industrializing of meats or unafraid-of-god modifications of green no-tastes or peppered flesh sauce. Ecosystems are respected and so is the proven science of leaving shit how it is. I won't mince words here as I adjust my sun blocking fag stomp-er hat, no sir. However, since the conserving of Classic Car Juice has so starkly inhibited the refuel-ers of NASCAR, a new "breed" of entertainment has emerged, one that has left several spectators with mixed reactions. Omaha bred beef grind corn spit Jibkif Whitelight calls it unnatural.

"Horses used to jis' bite 'en kick 'in give tha people a good nature-d tussle romp. Ain't no sense in invoking the word ah gawd." says Jibkif.

Another man, Tennessee shitstacker Quiggers Kuck, said, "teachin' horses how tah ask the Almighty Lord to smite another horse is jus' as natural as votin' for what's true and right."

Regular horse wars used to include two furious beasts and a fresh hot dog inserted into each animal's anus, which would spur the creatures into attacking each other in a standard manner. Now, lordlovers have decided to train their combatants in the art of invoking the power of Christ, by way of modifying a gold spell called Pulsa diNura. The steeds can then perform harmful and sometimes fatal miracles, including but not limited to levitation, transformation, blinding speed, vengeful strength, telekinesis, summoning angels, massive erections and God Eyes.

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