By Ridge Oakwood,
American Columnist
Outraged American
Let this be a message to all you Popinjays, Coxcombs, Dandies and Woodpeckers: I know what you're doing to all of our young boys and I don't like it. As a large wage earner, I feel that I'm entitled to raise two young, hearty boys who like leather footballs and the soft feeling of a woman's breast at midnight. I don't want to lose them to the pleasures of masculine anal lust. And I feel that all you hairy pixies are trying to use your green-glowing enchantments on boys like mine to make them enjoy fast-paced music and tight-fitting jeans.
I was raised by my father, Cedar Oakwood to be a man of the dollar. A man who climbs the ladder to success and busts the rungs behind him as he climbs, so as not to let any Tootles follow me up and sniff my anal fur. But in these dark days, I feel that there are Slipperies around every corner, just waiting to wrap their dark mouths around the private parts of my teen-aged sons, and it drives me wild with confusion and anger.
Late on Sunday nights before bed time, my father, Cedar, used to set me on his lap and point off to the north star. He used to say "son, do you see that north star? That's the star that represents how much I hate fags." Then he used to go on to explain that Bum Crunchers weren't allowed around our family, because they use special enchantments to convert us to their side, like they did to my dad's brother, Nash.
He used to tell me that Nash was kidnapped out of his bed by an army of Nipple Pinchers and they used telepathic mind rays to convert him to loving pink stars instead of pink canyons. I haven't talked to my uncle Nash since I was a young boy, when he used to let me try on his leather hats.
The point I'm trying to make is, I've seen the damage that has been done to young American stone horses like my boys. My boys are so strong and muscular. They sweat so hard in PE class. The last thing I want for them is to be turned into a bunch of Tootsie Rolls.
If you can, please join me at the Peach Mountian Lodge for a Town Hall Meeting about how we can clean up this great Capitalist Nation by removing the Hoobers and Nonnernots.
In the meantime, please enjoy this photo image of my young boys, taken in my garage late at night:
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