Friday, April 8, 2011
It's a well known fact that the United States military recruits at high schools and junior colleges because they know they'll always be able to pick up a few slackers and green-nugget tokers. Whether it's crumbling under pressure from family, or succumbing guilt about their lack of accomplishments, over ten thousand students sign up per month.
Up until recently, the military would frown upon their troops "ripping a bullhorn," "sucking a babyfinger" or "puffing on a jammer," especially while on active duty. But now, things have changed...
The military has officially recognized the unanimous admiration for "green dope" among the long-haired, tribal-tattooed youth of the American mainstream. And the military has adjusted it's rigorous standards accordingly. As of today, the military is now offering special "enlistment bonuses" to young men and women with "toke mouths." What is the bonus, you ask? A special-edition US military fog-tube, so the young people can huff in style.
But the best part of the new enlistment program is that no matter your age, IQ or physical limitations, you WILL be issued a personal jet and YOU WILL be able to fly it on fun missions. According to General Zig Ironcollar, of the Military Airplane Guys, most normal "non-drug using" individuals are a bit "uneasy" about doing bombing runs on heavily populated areas. He expects that good tasting snacks like potato crunches and cheese dip will lure young "Marijuana Jetfigher Academy" students into bombers, and while distracted by using the controls and feasting upon snacks, will be able to successfully accomplish nearly any mission--and return home with only faint, hazy memories of what happened--or how many innocents were obliterated.
We've spoken to a few recent graduates of the Smoke Force: Marijuana Jetfighter's Academy to get their thoughts on the program:
"I thought it was pretty cool. My bro Lincoln got inside of a DC-138 and hit a huge fog tube while he was flying upside down. It was sooo rad. The plane ended up crashing into a neighborhood in Syria, but my bro Lincoln parachuted out before anything bad happened. And luckily, he remembered to grab his fog tube before he hopped out. Hahaha. The miliatary wasn't even mad. Those dudes were like 'WE HAVE SO MUCH MONEY.' It was hilarious. Rock on!"
"I singed up for the Smoke Force because the guy said I'd get a free rip-rod to inhale smoke with. Now that I'm graduated, they gave me an SR-71 blackbird to do stealth missions. Last night I flew over an all women's prison in Iraq and snapped some pictures of naked tits from 60,000 feet. The image is grainy but I still masturbated to it before I went to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to do the same thing."
Posted by Adamantium at 3:51 PM