Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tryumphs in Food Eating: Hall of Legunds

Whenever I think about the Hall of Legunds, my eyes suddenly well up with wistful tears and a terrible groan begins to lumber fourth from my lower bowels. I wish so badly I could go back in time to when I competed in the MEAL FINISHERS CHAMPIONSHIP... before I lost everything I had to those god damn Courn Boys. But there's nothing I can do now. I am, at this moment, a shriveled and incontinent old man with no hope for redemption. But one thing I can do before I pass onto the holy rivers of yore, is tell my story to you, the Pepsi generation.

When I was a young man, I had the world at my fingertips. Not only was I handsome young man, but I was a good food deposit. In fact, my friends used to call me "Hoagie Todd" because I liked to eat Hoagies sometimes in my lunch sack. My mom was my biggest fan. She supported me in my food hunger. Sometimes, she would even sneak in my room in the middle of the night with a hot kettle full of beans and dump them under my sheets to get rid of bed demons that lusted after young boys like myself. (I would of course eat the beans in my sleep.)

A picture of me. "Hoagie Todd," as I was known.

Anyway, as I grew, I realized I had a natural talent for finishing my meals. That's when my mom recommended I compete with at that year's MEAL FINISHER'S CHAMPIONSHIP, so I could be forever emblazoned in the Hall of Legunds. But there was only one problem... the Courn Boys were the reigning local champions 5 years in a row.

The Courn Boys were three brothers who ate Hobs of Courn for breakfast lunch and dinner. Rumor has it they were born in the middle of a cournfield under a Harvest Moon while their pregnant mother was walking through the cournfield eating a hob of courn. Suddenly, after her last bite of courn, all three brothers fell out of her open birth passage onto the soft dirt and proceeded to grab fresh courn off the stalks and feast upon their moist innards.

"The Courn Boys" Circa 2002

Eveer since then, the Courn Boys have earned a wicked reputation for finishing nearly every meal they've ever been given--and destroying anyone who got in their way. Their leader, Fern Vucker, even claims to have a 100% clean meal deposit record for his life, a record current WURLD CHAMPION Chor Bloodheart won't even claim to himself.

Despite my fear of competing with the Courn Boys, I decided to sign up for the Meal Finisher's Championship anyway. On the day of the event, I was terribly assaulted by the Courn Boys. They all approached me in the men's bathroom and begin prodding me with hobs of courn. Soon, they removed all my clothing and begin poking me in the dark passage and under my toenails, leaving me with yellow nuggets dropping out of my body for weeks!

Now, as I think back on those terrible moments, I wish I would have had the courage to finish the Meal Finisher's Championship. But those god damn Courn Boys ruined everything for me and left me with a red, raw inner highway for weeks to come.

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