I Prefer Tortillas Over Bread On My Space Flights Because I Don't Want Crumbs Flying Around The Cabin

Being an astronaut can be a very discouraging job.  I wake up literally every morning with a horribly painful erection that, due to strict NASA regulations (brought fourth when they were purchased by Caumcast), I am not to touch, poke or even glance upon--lest it distract me from my mission, which is making adjustments to an unstable Caumcast satellite (so the citizenry of earth may watch Sugar Foo Foo, the child bride).  As a result, I am left feeling much like a Mormon boy, letting semen accumulate inside my bowels until I have a gallon of "milk" sloshing around in there.  Milk that is left to sit and fester, much like my mood.  Not being able to release myself is not only a boondoggling psychological strain but a physiological one as well.  At the very best I have, quite literally, a single american gallon of semen inside my body that I have to try to ignore.  At the very worst, I have that gallon of white butter PLUS a painfully hard erection (generally in the morning and afternoon hours or whenever I look upon my co-pilot Barbara, a normally unfortunate looking woman that I am now lusting furiously over due to my lack of options).

Forced Expulsion of Unwanted Feelings

"Upon denim contact, I felt as if I had to forcibly expel my internal organs through my anus in order to prevent the sacred feelings from travelling down to my pringle." -Hazzard Maplewood, Formerly Jailed Denim Contact Addict

Ever since brother Maplewood has been attending services here at Christian LordGod's Kingdom, I've had a funny feeling about him. It all started at the casserole feast last Friday. I was standing next to brother Maplewood in the chow line when, during light conversation, he explained that he had recently disposed of his denim collection due to "general dislike of the fabric." I found it to be an odd thing to say to someone, especially after buying so many pairs of pants before suddenly deciding to get rid of them. I asked him what influenced him to make such a decision and he suddenly thrust his entire hand deep into the bean and liver glorch casserole, perhaps in an attempt to distract me from my line of questioning. He proceeded to grab a giant hunk of food and slap in on his paper plate before rushing further down the line while wincing quietly. I caught up with him near the melted ham gelatin mound and asked him if he'd like to speak privately with me in my office. That's when things got strange. As Hazzard's eyes turned up from the buffet table and met mine, I could see that he had begun to sweat profusely. His face was drenched in sweat droplets. In fact, his white T-shirt was so covered in sweat that it looked like an extra layer of skin. That's when he began to speak. "Pester Chad, I am a cold and moistened spirit. Let me dine upon his sludge in relative peace." That's when Hazzard slunked off to the corner of the room, in a dark corner to eat alone. Just then, I noticed brother Jinker and his son tiny Ed walk over and sit next to him. Little Ed waved to Hazzard and asked if he could sit with him. Hazzard nodded hesitantly and Ed crawled up on his lap and begin to snuggle with him. That's when a look of inexplicable horror came upon Hazzard's face. He began to writhe in pain, squeezing his eyes shut and baring his teeth in an expression of pure agony. That's when Jinker noticed the scene and asked Hazzard what was wrong. Hazzard opened his eyes and pointed at little Ed's jeans. Jinker then grabbed little Ed and removed him from Hazzard's lap area. By then, the entire congregation had taken notice. Hazzard began to suck deep breaths of oxygen, his cotton pants soaked completely through in sweat. Once it was clear his situation was made public, Hazzard stood up in embarrassment with his head hung low. He looked to the crowd and in a booming voice, he screamed "I was protecting the boy from my tingle zone!" And ran full speed through the exit doors.

That was the last time I ever saw brother Maplewood at church services. I did, however see him downtown a month afterward. He was wearing a jean jacket, a jean baseball cap a jean undershirt and a jean necklace. He was sleeping inside of a sleeping bag made from stonewashed denim, right on the steps of the courthouse. Though I didn't bother waking him up, I wished him well in a silent prayer.

 Head Pester Chad Trinkle
 Christian LordGod's Kingdom Church Facility
 Boarflesh, North Carolina

Thunderjack Rogers: A Frustrating Truth Revealed

The following are a series of compiled quotes from "A Frustrating Truth Revealed," the long-awaited memoir by Thunderjack Rogers, a legendary Vietnam War vet, warm chicken meal eater and public bathroom expert.

"Back in Vietnam, a few of the boys used to call me 'Tussles.' I didn't like that nickname so I shot them and I told my commanding officer that the enemy shot them." -Thunderjack Rogers, on his wedding day

"To my knowledge, I was the only man who fought the entire war with a skin tight full-body leather outfit under my military fatigues. Whenever I felt that I was gaining stiffness in my front zone, I unzipped my fly and let my jorkus out for a fresh breath of air. It just so happened that I let it out once when I was standing over Private First Class Tinky, who was only 18 at the time. I was tired from doing so much war stuff so I had to take knee. Coincidentally, my skin column was right near his mouth when my platoon happened by. It was frustrating that they felt they had to take the whole event out of context and call me a male lust ranger. It is simply not true. I am a hardened American Male and I love women only."

"In 1987, when musical act Styx were becoming popular on the radio I decided to grow my hair out to match the way they looked. It also happened to be rather bright outside one day and I didn't have my sunglasses so I borrowed a pair of my wife's. I ended up wearing them every day because they felt comfortable on my face. I also got full breast implants so I could sleep more comfortably on my stomach at night. Many people said I did those things because I like men but they are telling lies. I am a red-blooded woman-lover and I am a trained military guy. I don't believe men and men should be more than just good friends."

"He came to me in a dream once when I was on my first tour in Vietnam. In the dream, was standing near the bank of the Ten'Chau river. He was naked and crawling towards me on all fours at an implausible rate. I was standing near the tree-line, also fully nude. We were both fully aroused and already on the precipice of ejaculation when we made physical contact. Just then I awoke with the front of my combat jeans soiled from reproductive matter. I was holding a small American flag in one hand and a 9mm pistol in the other. I remember feeling a sense of ease that my body had finally rejected those unwanted feelings."

"It wasn't five minutes after my first tour in Vietnam that I met Grover Allens, a young man of 19. He said he needed financial help and that he was lonely and in need of firm companionship. I had just received war money and I felt like I was able to help. After I cashed my check, he took me back to his apartment on 131st where we both removed our clothing. I was very hot from the summer sun so I hung mine up to dry and only for that reason. He began to tickle my beard and refer to me as 'Muffins.' I was able to suppress my violent urges and told him that I didn't appreciate the nickname and that he only refer to me as Thunderjack, the name my father wanted me to embody. He told me not to be so sensitive. He then placed the tips of his fingers gently on the back of my neck as I faced his window. He ran them down the back of my spine until he reached my dark crevice."

"My life changed forever when I had my first son. Only a few hours after the birth, my wife Stacy and I began to discuss baby names. She suggested we should name him John. I stood firm on naming him Tipples. As our conversation wore on, I could feel the tensions rising between my wife and I. After refusing to budge on my name choice, she claimed that Tipples sounded 'homo-erotic' and threatened to call my father to tell him about my alleged secret tender feelings towards other men. That's when I lost my temper and flipped her hospital bed over and jumped out the 3 story window, landing feet first on my mother in Law, Barbara."

"Life finally calmed down for me in the Summer of 1994. I spent that whole season lounging around in a pair of pastel underwear at the local Sauna, making great conversation with new friends I made. Many of them had small, small mustaches and tiny haircuts. Some of them liked to tickle my chest and pat at my round bobbers."

Make-A-Hope: Fun Ryde

"My son Ruffy got to ride on the bumper of an air mover. He had some screams and some tears but he had a good time in the cloud city." -Torton Griffer, PCP Addict

The passengers of flight 76R of the SkyJammer150 airline service had a real honker when they heard the muffled screeches of a youngbody outside their plane. When they looked out their window, they were shocked and pleased to see a smallman desperately clinging to the side of the aircraft at around 16,000 feet. He was crying until about 20,000 feet or so, then he began to smile and giggle and run up and down the wing, presumably from the lack of oxygen.

Flight attendants soon realized he was Ruffy from the Make-A-Hope League, a program for sick kids where they get to make one last hoper before the dark hands come and grasp them. Ruffy's wish was to ride on the outside of a plane and be a "plane man." His father signed the forms and checked in with the pilots, but no one else had been informed of his presence. Once the passengers noticed the boy, it caused quite the commotion inside the cabin. The pilot got on the intercom and assured everyone that he was safe as long has he stays well fed and gets a personal "chyld syze" oxygen tank above 25,000 feet.

That was around the time a stewardess crawled out the porthole on the top of the airplane and walked out to the wing and brought the boy a half a tuna fish sandwich and his oxygen tank so he would be comfortable for the rest of the flight.

By the time the plane reached 50,000 feet, young Ruffy began to get tired so the stewardess brought him out a blankie and a pillow so he could sleep outside for a half an hour.

After naptyme, Ruffy awoke to find the plane making its final descent into the clouds. That's when Ruffy got on top of the fuselage and made his way toward the roof of the cockpit so he could get the best view of the cloud city. He pulled out his jar and scooped up a piece of cloud so he could bring it home to show his dad (when he got out of jail).

When the plane began its landing maneuvers, Ruffy was nowhere to be found. Everyone began to worry that the unthinkable had occurred, that Ruffy had fallen. That's when the radio tower alerted staff that Ruffy was wrapped tightly around the landing gear drinking an apple juice box savoring his last final moments of glory.

Rick Masters: Brown Rainmaker

On the narrow steel bridge in Plumith Groak, Mon-Tanna legendary Sports Musician Rick Masters flipped a switch on his tour bus that released nearly one metric ton of solid hot brown sewage on the faces of poor villagers below. Before pulling the switch, Rick got on the megaphone and told everyone to come out of their houses to catch free money that he had earned at his last Colosseum gig. People ran out of their houses hoping for a miracle but what they got was something much different.

Rick Masters describes the events in his own words: "Oh that one? Oh man! That was hilarious. So here's what I did. I had the driver stop on this steel grated bridge, right? So I get on the megaphone and I say 'Attention low income Americans. I am so sorry for charging so much for tickets to my shows. In an attempt to regain some of my integrity I wish to bestow you with free dollars from the sky.' Hahahaha. It was so funny I could barely say it without cracking up. Everyone in the neighborhood under the bridge started running out of their houses holding their hands in the air hoping to catch a buck or two but got a Rick Masters brown right in the kisser. When my faggot fans keep complaining about high ticket prices, I'm going to let them know exactly how I feel about them not having enough money to afford them. Period."

It was reported that the Mayor of Plumith Groak threatened to sue Rick Masters for the cruel trick, but before he could, Rick Masters purchased the entire town, and took a shit on everyone's doorstep just for kicks.

Rick Master's violinist summed the situation up quick succinctly by saying "Listen man, Rick is a turd man. He loves turds. And he hates people that hate sports. It's that simple."

Tremendous Isolated Achievement

The following text is reprinted with the permission of "Baldur's Dragon Scroll" Monthly Newsletter.

////Pliff////Freeze Time Spell////Pliff////

"It's no surprise that the world's top scientists have been unable to properly calculate the mind's energy expended on such honorable pursuits as online medieval warfare but today...we are one step closer to realizing that some of earth's brightest stars pursue life-quests on the digital plane. I can only hope that my forage into a sodium and refined sugar-rich diet was not for naught...but for a cause brimming with glory. A challenge to a higher plane of the shining rays of hope." -Suicide Note From Wharp Flameshield, former Internet Game Player

It is with great regret that I must inform you that Wharp Flameshild, a semi-respected game player has decided to take his own life by falling on his replica ninja sword today. To make matters worse, the sword was made of a low grade Chinese "metal-like" substance, laced with led and cheap plastic so he died not of the small abrasion to his hip but to the ensuing infection.

May we all bow our heads in a moment of silence as we picture the Majestic Mountains of Iso-Lor and the smoking tar pits of Blorkus-Shanner.

In another bit of news, the above picture was taken of me by my stupid brother, Nedrew. He blackmailed me into putting it into the newsletter. Earlier this morning, he found my stash of Chinese Girl action figures with all of their outfits taken off underneath my bed. He took pictures with his camera and said he'd tell mom and dad I was wiggling my thumper to action dolls if I didn't take a degrading picture and post it in this newsletter. He gave me a towel, a clothes pin and a pair of my sister's recently worn wrestling underwear and told me to dress up like a "gay forest elf" and pose with my Warp Craft box. I am sorry to bring you down even further after the already bad news.

On an uplifting note, I discovered that I am growing some hair underneath my peaches in the "end zone." Some of the people that I hang out with have already entered the "mysterious phase" where red forces begin to appear on their forehead and their voices become that of warriors instead of cabin boys. I am excited when I am able to leave the realm of my parent's and get a castle of my own one day. But until then I have to put up with stupid gay Nedrew and all of his taunting.

Swords of Eleandor!

////Plowr////Dark Smoke////Plowr////

-Dark Whisper The Vigilante

Fhal Kill Mur's Hidden Village

"My Hidden Village is a testament to all I've accomplished as an actor. Most notably my work on Batman Forever [Kill Mur pauses to take a massive bite of a submarine sandwich] the epitome of human achievement and spiritual forcewill."
-Fhal Kill Mur

Former A-List actor Fhal Kill Mur has recently opened a low-grade amusement park based solely on his past projects. Vhal named the park "Hidden Village" in remembrance of his performance in the oft-overlooked and critically dismissed 80s picture "Willow."

The park was built last year by Fhal and a couple of migrant workers over the course of a few weekday afternoons (with a few siestas tucked in for good measure). The result: an underwhelming smattering of wood and scrap-steel based rides and booths for picture viewing. The following is a list of attractions:



1.) "The Blue Flash." A roller coaster that evokes Val Kilmer's career-making performance in Heat.



2.) "Wooden Wonderland." A ride based off of the Fhal Kill Mur-starring pornography drama "Wonderland" that was released in the early two-thousands.



3.) "Batman Forever: The Revenge Of The Riddler." This is an action packed, fully horizontal land-based ride Fhal has dedicated to his successful addition to the batman franchise.

Admission to the park is $7.95 and each ticket purchase comes with a fresh home-made submarine sandwich from Fhal's own kitchen. Many people don't know this but Fhal is a pryme sandwich enthusiast and has a certificate of completion from the Subway "Sandwich Artist" training academy. His recent weight gain and ballooning facial features are considered a result of his new found obsession for refined carbohydrates.

Blord: The King Wood Toucher

(This article has been reprinted with permission from The Wood Elf Herald, an online publication for underdeveloped adults.)

WOOD ELF HERALD
Feature Article By Blayde St. Revenge

I met Blord at Flosh Grudens Community College in 1997. While the other kids went to class, we would go back behind the bushes and play with our action hero figures. Blord was Kraft from Ringlords and I was Bowman from Slyngers. We would knock our guys together until our moms came and picked us up in their minivans. After the first few weeks our moms realized we weren't going to class so they made us quit college. So I was forced to get a job at the mall working at Fruit Blendz Drinks For Men. But Blord took it all really hard, the break up and all. All I remember is that he said "Dark Forces Are At Work" and he picked up a medium-sized log and ran full speed into the New Jersey Pine Barrens. I literally haven't seen or heard from in in a year. But apparently other people have. I took some testimonials from people in the area that have seen him wandering the wyld plains:

"I was walking my dog through the pine barrens and I saw a large man with long hair attempting to hide behind a small sized rock. I literally walked right past him and he kept adjusting himself in some sort of feeble attempt to stay out of sight. Not only did I see him, but I was concerned that he was some sort of deranged woodsman that wished me or my dog harm. So I confronted him. I just asked if he had a problem. Then all of a sudden he began to screech at an ear piercing decibel. He the stood up violently, continuing to scream, picked up a giant hunk of wood and galloped away at a frantic but awkward pace towards dense wooded cover."
-Dr. Berri Snyder

"I was out birdwatching on the south end of the pine barrens and I heard a squirrel making warning noises. The warning noises got louder and louder then stopped altogether. Then I saw a giant oaf of a man fall about 75 feet out of an pine tree and land flat on his back. He seemed to be in some distress but he got up and in his right hand was a dead squirrel. He picked up what appeared to be a giant hunk of wood. That's when he noticed me standing about 200 yards away with binoculars. His eyes began to glow red and he barked like a dark Tasmanian wolfhound and shot off into the darkness."
-Hobby Pinkle

"It all started when I was picking blackberries off a massive tangle of vines last summer. I saw a huge clump in the far back row, just at the end of my reach. I had to stretch deep into the bush to get them. While I was straining I felt like there was someone behind me, but by the time I turned around a large, naked man with long black hair had already stolen my bucket of berries and was making a bee line for the trees. I was less upset and more just amazed that someone would steal berries. So I watched him run about 300 feet away. He stopped in the middle of a clearing and began to softly urinate on a pile of leaves. I used that time as my opportunity to sneak up behind him. I got closer and closer and he seemed not to notice my advance. Once I got to within a foot or two, I planned on just reaching down and stealing my berries back but the man quickly spun around, and let out a blood curdling snarl, revealing razor sharp serrated teeth. I quickly ran back to my car and drove home."
-Bonnie Tyler

Nooper "Do Not Dance Too Close To Female"

"I installed heat sensitive cameras inside my daughter's bathroom to ensure that she isn't getting warm feelings thinking about boys." -Elder Faithdust "Nooper" Placard

Nobody is more outspoken against male/female relations than Nooper, the popular Mormon Recording Artist. Though Nooper isn't his birth name, it was given to him by friends and family because of how often he says the word "nope" in a funny way due to his North Dakota accent.

Nooper became a popular name in the booming Mormon Recording Industry in the late nineteen seventies. Performing such hits as "NO NIGGERS IN THE PRIESTHOOD" (1977), "I LIKE BLACK PEOPLE (FOR THE LORD NOW SAYS IT'S OKAY)" (1978), MY NEIGHBORS SON KISSED A BOY AND HE IS BEING EX-COMMUNICATED" (1981), "THE HUMBLE WHITE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS/UPPER CLASS HOME" (1985), "MY MINIVAN" (1992), "MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER HEAVY PET, I GUARANTEE IT" (1999), "DREAMS OF 9-11" (2001), "DON'T HOLD HANDS WITH MY DAUGHTER--OR TOUCH HER--OR LOOK AT HER" (2002), "SEXUALITY OUGHT TO BE REPRESSED--AND THE ENSUING MENTAL ILLNESS MUST BE STAVED OFF WITH CONSTANT READINGS OF 'PEARL OF GREAT PRICE' IN THE BOOK OF MORMON" (2005), "MARIE OSMOND'S SON DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS A REPRESSED HOMOSEXUAL. HE KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE THE MORNING STAR ENTERED HIS BLOODSTREAM AND MADE HIM LUSTFUL TOWARDS A MAN FOR A TEMPORARY PERIOD (BUT HE HAD THE POWER TO FIGHT IT)."

Now that he has entered his golden years, his daughter is of legal dating age--and Elder Nooper has TRULY gone off the deep end to protect his daughter. Acting out in response to his own sexual repression and deep seated insecurities, he's written an album entitled "Don't Dance Too Close To Female." He's distributed a copy to every male at her high school in hopes it will ward off any sexual feelings of lustful moisture towards his daughter.

NOOPER
DON'T DANCE TOO CLOSE TO FEMALE

1.) JOSEPH SMITH DIDN'T BELIEVE IN INTERCOURSE (AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU)
2.) MALE PRESIDES OVER FEMALE
3.) FEMALE IS SUBORDINATE (AND MUST OBEY HER FATHER)
4.) GLAD TIDINGS FROM ONE TEENAGER TO ANOTHER (WITHOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT)
5.) PRESERVE YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAVENLY WHITE ROBES
6.) ONE DAY YOU WILL HAVE YOUR OWN MINIVAN
7.) DADDY'S CELESTIAL WONDER
8.) TOGETHER FOREVER (IN THE BONDS OF FAMILY IN WHITE ROBES)
9.) STAR MAKER (I DON'T WANT BLACK PEOPLE ON THE PLANET I CREATE-SORRY GOD)
10.) MODERN AMERICAN CONSERVATIVE VALUES ARE MY APPLE PIE (LOVE ETERNAL)

We were fortunate enough to catch up with Veronica Placard (the daughter) for a brief interview regarding her father's over-protective behavior. This is what she had to say:

"I totally forgot to take my birth control last night. I was pounding whiskey with Greg, Antonio, and D'Shawn and we smoked a whole $20.00 marijuana purchase. Anyway, I had relations with like one of them...or maybe more...haha...I don't remember but the point is...I forgot to take my birth control. Anyway, I'm going to have my friend Amber hit me in the belly with a broomhandle in a month or two to make sure I'm not pregnant. I can't go to the pharmacy to get Plan B or to Planned Parenthood because my dad insists on driving me everywhere in his minivan. The only reason I was lucky enough to party last night was because we did it upstairs in church while my cousin Jobe was getting baptized."

Plork (Fun Elvis!)

"Many jabber faces make remarks about my band saying 'you play shit.'"
-Unber Groak, Lead Vocalist (Plork)

At the mere mention of Plork, most music critics begin to tear away at the skin on their faces and reach for the nearest bottle of rubber cement to pour inside of their ear canals. But everything aside, Nor-Land's infamous "Hodge-Podge Eclectics" Plork are preparing for the release of their new album "Fun Elvis" and an extensive Southern U.S. Tour.

In a recent interview with Plork's lead vocalist, Unber Groak, we discovered much of the band's career so far has been rife with terrible hardship, crippling self-doubt and reprehensible body odors.

"It make me sad that everyone in the world hate our band. We go on tour of United America and a man, he take a bottle and bash it over my newborn baby son's face and tell me to die in lava."

Many people wonder how a band that is universally despised can afford to go on a tour to another continent. The answer: not easily. Unber and his band mates search for extra money deep in the bowels of the sewers.

"Last time we go tour America United, we get under the ground by sliding down a hole. We bring rakes and pieces of stick. Then we go where people make splashes in the white-pot. We stick our tools into the smell piles until we find coins and we collect them in Knhort's burlap sack."

After learning more about his methods, I realized that Unber is referring to the rogue coins that people sometimes accidentally shake out of their jeans into the toilet when they're taking their pants down before a bowel movement. Since not many people accidentally drop coins into the toilet, Unber and his band generally have a very difficult time searching for coins in piles of human waste. But after sixteen years of feverish searching, the band has come up with enough capital to fund another tour to the U.S.

Instead of taking a discount plane ride or taking a barge, due to their limited funds, Plork will be constructing a man-made raft from milk cartons and hardened dung from the sewers (used as sealant). They will consume raw fish meat on the ride over (fished from guitar strings) and they'll keep all their musical gear wrapped tightly in plastic wrap (found in the garbage).

Plork "Fun Elvis" will be released on cassette this December.

Track Listing:

1.) My Dig In The Sewer
2.) I Found A Coin
3.) My Son Hit With Bottle
4.) Feeling Worse About Underarm Bad Smell
5.) Good Times For Uncle Elvis
6.) I Smell Not Like A Good Man
7.) Money I Don't Have
8.) America Money Pot
9.) Sweat Woman
10.) Garbage Eater
11.) Trash Hunger