Friday, March 18, 2011

A New Study: Radiation Does Not Exist

A new study conducted by the East Chico, California Community College "Jr. Tech Leaders" of America (a non-credit "fun" course) has suggested that radiation helps you "not be a pussy."

Lincoln Vein-Rod (R-Tennessee) has used the evidence gathered by the young Americans at East Chico to write a report based on these findings, claiming that "radiation doesn't exist," except only as a proven method of transforming pussies to patriots. Mr. Vein-Rod insists that radiation is an excellent method of turning liberals into "nuclear power fighters for freedom." Mr. Vein-Rod has suggested sprinkling radiation into women who believe that murdering the lord's unborn children is acceptable. He has also recommended that we sprinkle radiation juice into the head-tops of crybaby teachers who selfishly want to get paid enough to eat a warm meal.

He made mention of his plans on Dash Stryker's popular morning AM radio talkshow "Eagle Talon" where he said... "America's weak-boned, soft-fleshed teachers, who are pretty much just babysitters, need to chug some of this radiation to turn them tough, hard-talking patriots. There are so many sissies out there who want their cars to run on things like peace, love and harmony. Well, listen here, I come from a world where cars run a little fuel called AMERICA."

Mr. Vein-Rod later went into detail discussing the scientific proof of his claims on radiation. He explained that a week before, he and the East Chico students put some radiation on a bear. He said that the bear died. But before it died, it became a patriot. He qualified his statement by saying that "the only reason the bear died was because it was too big of pussy to handle the transformation into a true patriot."

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