Monday, January 24, 2011

Burger Dads--Wolfdown Tour 2002

"Nobody can understand the Burger Dads and what they stand for."
-Hotlink Toinker, Social Critic and Statistical Analyst


It's true that most people who eat Hamburgers and Cheeseburgers live their lives at a level of pretension that most could never fathom. Most burger-eaters are social elites and corporate heirs, who spend their evenings and weekends drowning and suffocating in large piles of money, drinking wine out of the vaginae of classy escorts, and indulging in the rich flavor of cooked beef. A flavor that's virtually unknown to the middle and lower-class worlds.

But let me remind you that there are three middle-aged "bandanna rebels" who are out to change the socioeconomic structure of burger distribution. They're a force known as "the Burger Dads:" a team consisting of Borb Greasemeat, Sludge Foundation, and Copperhead Molargrinder. They're an idealistic trio of "Robyn Hood" types that travel the nation in a large SUV, eating burgers and "living out loud."


Many people attend Burger Dad events hoping to catch a glimpse of the team doing a tooth rip on a beef-pad. But many people are unlucky, as the Burger Dad's tickets are often in excess of $200.00.

Here at Cat's Croch we decided to interview some people in Coalburner, Idaho about their opinions on the Burger Dads:

"I think the Burger Dads are national folk heroes. They're giving us hope. Us little people. Showing us that anyone can eat a burger and you don't have to be some hootin' tootin' millionaire. I want to go see them live but I don't know if I can sell our cars and refinance our home in time to buy those two hundred dollar tickets." -Yope Strawberry

"My son Timb and I are thinking about going to see the Burger Dads live. The thing is... Timb has cancer. He is going to die sometime tomorrow afternoon. He said he'd rather see the Burger Dads than just about anything. So I called the Burger Dads' agent and asked him if my son could meet them as part of the "Take A Breath" foundation for dying youngsters. He said it would cost us ten grand plus applicable fees. But that's almost all I have. Right now, I'm getting ready to sell my wife's uterus and all of her backskin to a medical research facility to help cover the costs." -Porp Walnutpowder

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