Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Almost all of us have heard the tale of Nor-Lack the Beef Lifter. For many of us, she has haunted our blackest nightmares. For others, she is simply a laughable myth.
When I was a tinyleg, my caretakers used to tell me the legend of Nor-Lack before bedtime, usually around Halloween. Many other children exchanged terrible stories around campfires and in dimly lit treehouses all over the living-sphere.
But Nor-Lack isn't a myth. She's real. At least according to a photographer who snapped her in his candid shot, lifting a full-grown Beef-Walker right off the green earth.
In the original tale, Nor-Lack was born at the bottom of a bog. Nor-Lack Traditionalists insist that she was launched out of a swamp, rejected by the earth itself. Either way, as a child, she crawled around, lifting stones and tree-logs to pass the time. By the age of eight, she was already strong enough to bench press a full grown hog! Legend says Nor-Lack roamed the land, drifting from farm to farm lifting up farmer's livestock and putting them back on the ground. No one knew why she did this. And many people tried to ask her. But she replied only by lifting THOSE people up in the air, doing a few reps, and setting them back down again. The mystery of Nor-Lack is what draws many people to repeat her famous story.
But that's not the ONLY thing that draws people to her. Many people discuss her beautiful magic leotard, said to be crafted by Merlin and his friends as a gift for her on her wedding day. People also mention her beautiful complexion and her stylish, ultra-modern haircut.
We asked Dr. Smoothguts Blompowder, a Professor of Sexual Feelings at Humpington University, to explain why Nor-Lack has such a sexual hold on the male population:
"I believe it is her bustling arm-ripples that really push men over the edge. Please excuse my language but I also believe that it's her perky, coffee-colored chest-rounds that make men ooze their Dockers over her. If she actually exists, I would leave my wife to try and have a rip at her."
Posted by Adamantium at 2:35 PM