Friday, January 14, 2011

Pognus the Hole-Driller

"I got arrested last month because I drilled a hole in the ground and there was an underground kindergarten there. I killed a lot of kids."
-Pognus Danderdan

I started drilling holes back in 1986. After my husband rode his riding lawn mower off a cliffside, I decided to dedicate my life to corkscrewing mother earth. I sold my house and took the money to the farm equipment store and just dumped it all over the counter.

The guy was like "what do you want to do with all this money? There must be over two hundred thousand dollars here."

I was just like "give me a fucking driller."

So that's how I got Snow Wolf, my earth-screw. Now I mostly just drive around on the freeway and drill up the concrete as I go. I like to make "fun paths" so people know where I've been and where I'm going. But people don't understand my life's meaning. Usually people just honk their horns at me and throw garbage and warm refuse in my face and in my hair.

Last month, I asked some kids where they think I should drill. They said "go drill over there." They were all giggling and they pointed to a soccer field next to a school. So I drove over and plunged my terror-screw deep into the earth's face and began to till up the sweet brown-flesh. Next I noticed that there were some screams and some gurgles coming from underground. Then some blood came up also.

That's when I turned around and noticed that all the kids (the ones who told me to drll here) were running away. And I noticed a sign that read "Wilfred Gentlefinger's Underground Kinder-Garden."

That's when it hit me. I had just massacred dozens of kids. I panicked. I got on the freeway towards Mexico. I figured that I could make it there within a month and a half (since my top speed was about 15 miles per hour). After about ten seconds on the freeway, a few dozen police cars surrounded me and fired rounds into my beautiful Snow Wolf.

That threw me into a fit of rage. I fired up my terror-drill and hit the gas. Snow Wolf lunged forward into the police barricade and I plunged my drill deep into the chest of Sargent Armvein. Then all the police people opened fire, shooting me in the face, the arms, the nipples and my legs.

I write this message from Nicker-Nacker county Jail Hospital. The guards informed me that Snow Wolf is on it's way to the junkyard.

After I finish this message, I'm going to fashion a drill out of steel from my jailhouse bunkbed and burrow through the brick wall to freedom. Then I'm going to intercept Snow Wolf in the way to the junkyard and take revenge on every one of those kids who told me to drill into the soccer field.

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