R.I.P. Tennis Hardapple (1910-2010)

In an unfortunate (and highly sexualized) turn of circumstances, Popular Romance Novelist Tennis Hardapple has passed away. His beloved legacy has bulged and throbbed it's way out of the jeans of the literary world over the past 10 decades.

Tennis was found dead alongside his lover, Pip Snuggler III. The coroners office determined that before the time of their deaths, they pumped eachother full of an unusually high dose of mum-ducket. Autopsy reports confirm that the couple stood on the bed and rib-dib-dibbed for hours on end before finally yup-doolding into the corner in fear. Both of their lives ended deep in their king size restroom as they attempted to rinse their innards with warm, buttery Irish Cheese.

Mr. Hardapple's memory will live on in the swollen, discolored overfilled grape bags of snatch-hungry male clamsnarfers.

As the nation mourns, Cat's Crotch wishes to cast light on the numerous contributions Tennis made to trash-can literature.

His most notable being:

-Pork Me Again, Rita
-Clap Trap
-Revenge of the Clap Trap
-Wiggle Jones, Jimeny Widget and the Bubble Brothers
-Choad Force 2000
-Pink Rim Riders of the Desert Sky
-Urethra Davis and the Underwear Kings
-Sunset Over Brooklyn (And The Cone-Shaped Skin Of My Penis)




Tennis Hardapple in front. Pip Snuggler in rear.

Porknugget Wobnobbler Bubble-Tony

"My mum used to rub me noggins into her bibbles and put her wiggletuff into me junkins."

-Bubble Tony

THE PEOPLE'S CASUAL "FUN-TYME" ORAL HISTORY OF BUBBLE TONY:

When he was inflected pubic minister of tremendous growth back in 1983 Jr. College, Bubble Tony (who was known simply as "Tony") was everyone's favorite "get down" guy. As a matter of fact, he was voted #1 Hot Dog Cafeteria by Hot Dog Magazine 1984. Even french girls liked to toggle with the very back of his haircut! After all, he used only the best haircare products known to man: Fresh Tubbins, Pup Town Washer, Scrubble Dubble Duffs, McGregor's, Pump Jiggin's Clean Scrub, and most of all JB's Headtop Buttfucker.

In 1985, he was diagnosed with a turrible case of "St. John's Ugly Syndrome" when he became very, very ugly. But since Bubble Tony used to be really good looking (and a worldwide pussy muncher) he persevered through the bullshit--even after a large coffee mug sized "Bundt" grew out of his left cheek.

Despite his physical handicap, Bubble Tony was elected Ligget St. Clair of the Crumbs of Olde in 1987. This position required him to sweep crumpet particles out of the mustaches and goatees of dignitaries and esteemed members of Parliament. In between hearings, Bubble Tony would come in with his Junior Sweeper Set and a pair of binoculars. He would use the binoculars to find people who were eating crumblers and round-tops. Once he found them, he waited until they were done eating and he'd come in and clean up their runoff.

Scourge Crane Scatfish

"PLab Snaggle fusch, ronst scrull mango muffin. I'm a cow coow braaain"
-Mictchelell Patton

"Mike Patton is not God." This unspeakable truth was finally revealed to me after years of toiling and clawing at the choadskin of hope; the hope tha tI could really place all of my faith, trust and creationist beliefs in the lap of the lead singer of such celebrated acts as Mr. BUNTDSKULL and Face Face Face. Alas in the light of such new shit, I must find another messiah.

IN OTHER NEWS:
40 year old leather ball hurler/fuckface, Brett Farf would be wisely advised to wear a sphincter-plug for the up coming Pro Touchdown Scoreboard season. Because if shit leaking marathoners have to wear such a device for the Hood to Coast run, then this geezer certainly must require similar seal lockage in the face of this kind of pressure:

Tallahassee Crocsnout's Linebacker, MoTrif Kaboonst

Good luck to you and the fresh appearance of your away uniform, ye olde snarf! Until next time...

references:
this

this

Lincoln Burger Report Card P+/-

We just had a lunch over at Lincoln Burger Patty Corporation! PEE - YOU! What a nasty treat. We loved it! Neck and I chowed ordered some of their new "Chow Down Red Rounds" appetizers. Basically, they're raw hamburger patties on an unwashed white plate. They we're scrumptious. After our preliminary vomit, we had course number two: a hippopotamus' tusk. It was a rather unsightly tusk, every crack chock full of dirt, grime and puss, but it microwaved down to the perfect texture and consistency (the Chef explained to me that they had a microwave specially designed to accommodate the size, shape, and marrow content of tusks, horns, muntots, buggins, and muuuffs). The further we got through our tusks, I began to have unsavory thoughts of my wife and of her nephew, little Billy. Afterward, I began to long for a many other things.

-My lost aunt Bethany
-The warmth and tender love that Hungry Man meals bring to the hearth and love of my family home
-The Holy Christian Bible
-Horned Satan (the Lord of Grim Faces)
-The Bim Bam Tribe of the Lost City of Chit
-My Favorite Book "Stranglers of Old Fashioned Nantucket"

...but most of all... I longed for the main course. Which came along quite quickly, I might add. They brought our Lincoln Burgers out three at a time. Three Lincoln Burgers for me, and another three for my assistant, Neck. By then, of course, Neck had passed away from excessive Tusk consumption. Luckily for me, I kept my tusk consumption to a healthy minimum. I got through two of my Lincoln Burgers and I had the waiter wrap the other one up for my dog, Peeeger.

Now, FOR THE REPORT CARD:

I give Lincoln Burger a P+/- for flavor and likeness to the Hungry Man #8976542R Design Idea 1987. It was a fine idea but it ultimately failed to pass the board of review back when Ridge Bunharder was the Chairman.

SIZZLE POWER--TOUR JOURNAL

Our first baseman, Tum Burncoch, gave us this section of his "TOUR LOG" today:

"January/October 1996
16:76 AM

Wif Gidget had a rigidity conference in West Dakota today. I met him for lunch at the regional Hungry Man World Office Base Headquarters. Wif was happy to see me but he had something on his mind. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had a hard brown turd inside of his right pantleg. He explained that he tucked it in his jogging sock for safety. I told him it wasn't safe to have a turd there. IT CAN DEGENERATE YOUR ANKLE/CALF!!! What man? Am I right? Wif said "nuh huh" and he kicked the table over in front of all the. Other hungry man meal eaters in BROAD DAYLIGHT! He said "I'll keep my turd and you can cram my beef brisket up your pussy purse." THen I kicked over an old lady's table and grabbed her pet dog and broke it in half over my leg to show I was serious. He knew I was serious! Then I broke a steel bar over my head and got a brain hemorrhage."

hahahhahahhhaah dum dum spaghettiums

Took long enough to open your dumb can! LOL! You mungy sliz, shoulda uzed hungry man stuffingz for ur art splooge.

A True Neil Diamond Fan:

eat hungry man or lose complex thought

Do you know what is the only thing that separates us from the slime slurping the scuzz of the scum that I poopled yesterday?... ANSWER: HUNGRY MAN ENTREES

Seriously, get it through you're stupid fat head. If you're not supportive of Hungry Man Instant Dinners cooking in the lightning microwave chambers of heaven, where cherubs strum harps whilst God's beard fills with the spittle common to Hungry Man Dinner Withdrawal symptoms, then you fucking lose pal, along with the terrorists whose exploits you probably support.

Entire Back Catalogue (2003-2004)

ATOM "THIS IS THE SWEETEST LIVE JOURNAL THERE IS, THERE WAS, AND THERE EVER WILL BE"

FUCK VAGINAS BITCHES!

YEAH THIS IS MY TURF! STAY KEEP YOUR DISTANCE COCK GRINDERS!

Were going sledding tommarow! EXCITE! FOLLOW US OR DIE YOu == CUNT @! I HAVE AIDS! MY COCK BURNS FOR YOU TONIGHT! FUCK CUNT@!

CHEERS,

THE DUDE MANAGMENT
(Lan'n & At'm)

WHASS HUP?

hey dooders,

we decided against sledding today because my car has just one headlight and landons truck is scared of heights.... instead we went out to breakfast (1:00pm) at Sharis. I ate sooooo much food and then landon paid for it because I gave him a pair of jeans! Cool! then we went to over there. then we. then we went to the mall. At the mall we saw this really weird looking albino dude who was like and outcast of American society. He was like lurking around the food court and he was growling/snarling/hissing at the passers by. He had really patchy hair and some killer pork chop side burns.

ALSO GUESS WHAT? I found a new usage for "cats crotch" tonite. Adam Lund came over and we watched Monty Python's "the Meaning Of Life" and he brought over an old kung fu movie called "crippled masters." It is about a guy with no legs and a guy with no arms who join forces to kick some handicapped booty and destry evil forces. Oh yeah, I was going to tell you about my new usage for cats crotch. Here goes... ok so it was really late and I was tired and I was like "oh man, I'm as tired as a cats crotch." Then a little later I MIGHT have said "it's as late as a cats crotch" but I could have imagined that. THats really far fetched but I might have said it, though. OH MY GOD. Just as I was typing one of my geckos started wagging it's tail like a rattlesnake and it was so LOUD!! I said "man, that was as loud as a cats crotch!" YES!!!! Another usage before bedtime!!!! GIDDY UP!!!

Mary Crabsmas if I dont write again,

YOUR DEAREST, ATOM (and Landon too but he's crashing on the couch so he didnt say anything except for a fart)

Dun Dun Dun. Is's just havin' me a few thoughts, rather deep ones too I reckon. See Is's thinkin' 'bout all kindsa city boy thinkin' stuff latl'y. Is's sittin' on my back porch earlier with my colt 45 pickin' off the neighbors ducks outta their makeshift duck pond and I was realizin'. Boy howdy hot dittity, what if I made a certian "web site." While I was pickin' off ducks a special thought popped into m' head through my met'l plate and into my brain. I will make a web site with infer'mation 'bout gizzards! EYUP! Y'heard me boy, Is's talkin' 'bout a real life gizzard web site. I'd be happier than a hounddog on a moist private. An'ways I'd have all kindsa 'portant infermation on the web site. Things like gizzard subjects. EYUP. I reckon we could make a whiskey batter fried gizzard stew recipe. I bet my daddys boots we could. There'd be other things on the web site too, such's how to dry out old gizzards and make a whistle for a chrismas presn't. EYUP. Gee whiz, I'll hafta contin'e a bit lat'r on since my wife Lizzy-Bill is callin me from the kitchen. I think my Jack Daniels fried Chick'n stew bread is ready for the eatin'. Whelp, I best be goin 'bout now. I'll be back though. On toppa dinner bein ready I just loaded up my drawls with a fresh loada dung. Sonofabich. I told my wife every time she fires up the microwave the plate in my head gets real hot and makes me go crappy in my wranglers. Well, anyhow, I'm gonna go scoop out my load and then eat m' stew.

Gods Peace
Sincerily,
Fred Willy "cats crotch" MacStump

"My balls are squishy ahaha IHH NE va va I gotta Ga JGHa! Someones here! Jessi8c s8ta galz pho pho a go go Says hi! Wooowww I type! ONO jnotyou don't! e"

-Landon

"Buy Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits records with such hits as "Junkdriver/Tankdriver" "Squak Squak Bibcock" and the always contraversial song "Hey Baby, Guess what the ladies call my cock? ... "George Bush." HA HA I love democrats and liberals and democrat/liberals. I am so hungry right now so if anyone reads this plaease bring me food. I like ice cream, tacos, no meat stuff, chinaman food I like TRL Carson Daily cock-grinders. Do you like the horses, they like hot dogs. Horses love hot dogs, ConAgra is about the worst corporations in America, they make some of the poorest food with the worst effect on man and animal, Conagra supplies most large grocery stores with meat that most people assume is simply "safeway meat. People don't know safeway just gets deliveries from corporations. Conagra makes Banquet and Mary Callenders food, responsible most "fresh meat" at the grocery store, and an exploiter of both human employees, animals, and human consumers. They are easily one of the most evil organizations next to the KKK and the Nazis. Do not support these corporate scumbags. Stand up. Take a fucking stand. Over and Out!

...
...
...
...
...

Some conagra sounds good about now. LAWRENCE ARMS AND CATCH 22 FOR LIFE Y'ALL!
DO THE RIGHT THING AT YOUR GROCERY STORE! BUY ORGANIC, NON-CORPORATE, AND HUMAN & ANIMAL FRIENDLY PRODUCTS! CHEER SFO RBEER SAN D ROBOT SDON TDRIN KTH E ROO TBEE R.

tables turn sometimes.

-Atom

"manhattanproject lightbulbforest. gorfmedia nictor cruton, diphlamisaur, krypton," -Atom
"don't expect my backyard to manifest your dreams thats all, good night." -Jeff
"It's my my line so don''t want to forget it! My mom or I mean I'm hungry Mc don'aldsd VRe Spinning meat! Red Meat! Ya Ya ya it's best ya ur." -Landon

Spout time yo! Give it up!

"fuzzy jacket. I'll do it. we loveeachtoehr sexual. yoda love mahi mahi. fish fish fish. do me now I swear I swear. mardual mardual hop hop grandpa simpson. dont be fat and stupid. fies too shot ro fock fuck me. i know I m done ai know I am a beer Iknwo ai am a beer I knwo ai Ma drink ai an god ai aknow ai am dhnk I kwo ai ahhahhaha i knwo I am dhgod I amg od. I amgod. I am scotch scotch tape hop hop and you dont stop dont stop rachecl is my onl y girlriend ive erehad I I am I am a knight ai M gettin jacked offright now by landon I am crazy. dslaugh laugh I am catscroth ai am buterscotch I am hip hop I ma balck I am fuse. Catch 22 is the best skapukh band ever created fors rue. I am going to see them in sanffansico with crista. crista is blonde and hot. I am old. i am almost 290 rachel is my asian girlfreind firewoks are exploding lighting is hot and it wilk burn any human life. human life is cheap ctalk ics cheap I am typin so certi9an I am so cerian I am open the cruton salad seafood sald king crab meat is sood godoo I am yoda I ma drukn I am am mangan beast I am hnga CONSTANTINE STARRING KEAUNU REEVES and HOT BITCH I want to fuck hto bitch I want to fuck I am like tood. I am like todd. I am like the toodd I am like th hot frog iI have 2 lizards they areold. I ahve snake fors ale. I like ale I am drink. I am hot I am cold I am hard nipples I am in the clset I am so alone wre aremy fiend s they are here drnking with me I am so lost will I do good in colege Iwll I do god I want o have a good day I wnat ot get lost. Postshot rock s for sure I am skaupnk I ams skapuhk ai ma skapunk I am so skapnk I ang going to san fansisxo I am fantsaxitc i am fantastic I lost my iguana I amno loosenoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooghauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhjhbrehhjh "

-At0m

"HUSKABARINOZZZZZZZZ I love like a mouse that likes the wine! It's The best shit DIE Y"OU BUTT FUCKING VILLEN! I L U J! I LOVE YOU JESSICAIS the best eEAT ALL you WANT ITS GOOD FOR YouR HEART FART MATHA FUCKA YOU SNER pDONGPOO PDONG GONG GANGAP PDOPOOOP A Loop Poo p P loop Snoop a loop THROUGH THE QUADS I AM ROBOT FOR LIKE YOU LIKE ziggy papa pap'a yo dod doo poop? Poop? Poopie? Boobie Poopie? Mabey? Dude I'm drunk. Yah your right for sure the nieghts but turend on light so they tototototototototo chochochocho what? What?kl Prior? Prior? I'm dune done? done."

-Lizandon

I apologize for the drunknen ramblin'. IN all honestly I just love Rachel Lam. She is the only girl I've ever connected with. She is the only one fore me. FORE! Life is a trip. Dicks rock. Mine is big. Mine is huge, essentially. Landons is also really big. Jeffs is uncircumsixzed.

Don't Know What You Got 'Til It's Gone,
Don't Kknow What you did so wrong.


Rock and rOll 4 ever!
-Landom and Atom

on a side note adam took 3 vicodin and 7 beers
[peace,'
ATom

one more last noete we are going to totaly sword figite yo dicks are showin mtha fucka!

BIG DOGS SLAM JAM POGS

I was jimmy shrimpin' down the street and a stupid batcrow with SUCH a long nozzle swooped in on my shoulder and whispered: "nnnngggggghhhhh! FAGGOT!" So I ended him for trying to hate-crime me so brazenly. THEN my belly farted and I remembered about Uncle Zach's "Bring Your Own Fowl" BBQ Restaurant just down the street. "Aaah, The sun lords sure shone on me this afternoon" I thought, because there I was; fat lifeless batcrow in hand, and a mighty appetite to match! Well I thought life was pretty so-so to OK at this point because my bed was stolen the previous day. But I was in for a real shocker because that stupid ignorant batcrow not only death squirted raw shit juice all over Uncle Zach when I presented it for grilling, but I found out that batcrow is technically not a fowl, but a retarded growth that forms on a dead Kangaroo's pouch, and grows dumb wings made of cancer. Well needless to say, I didn't eat that day! Also Uncle Zach is not MY actual uncle but I'm pretty sure he does have sex with my step mom in bunches, so he FEELS like family.

Moral of the story: Stick with Lettuce and Tomato sandwiches, like our friends in this classic video!

Rim Dim Diggle Rim Dim Dim Diggle

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.  But you can train a boner to fold back inside of itself.  And that's exactly why Cat's Crotch is back on the literary scene.  We're here to dazzle your dicks and make your pussies say "wow."  And if that means lowering ourselves to the level of rickshaw drivers... well, then that's what it takes.

We don't have to talk ourselves up because we've already proven ourselves on the mean streets.  We've taken home multiple awards over the years, including:

• Urine Town USA Literary Society Honorable Mention
• Derek Jeter World Cup Tour #1 Smile Face
• A Free Sega Genesis From A Garage Sale
• A Magic Card
• Butthole Grabbers All Stars Independent Spirit Award
• Childbearing Songwriters of War Torn Lithuania 7th place
• Dumptruck Festival Kentucky Judge's Award
• Hungry Man official sponsorship "Good Eater" Award

 Here's a song that John Cougar Mellencamp wrote for the revival of Cat's Crotch:

"Hungry cock, I gotta hungry cock.  Don't mock my cock or I'll give you a wock.  What's a wock?  It's kind of like a mock.  A mocking bird... A pussy herd.  A herd of pussies in your paper shredder is gonna give you bad weather on the tip of your ding ding dong inside Hong Kong.  Hungry Man meal with a side of beans, I'll shove it up your ass until you scream, if you touch me I won't buy you lunch for your hemorrhoid bunch."