Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Lincoln Burger Report Card P+/-

We just had a lunch over at Lincoln Burger Patty Corporation! PEE - YOU! What a nasty treat. We loved it! Neck and I chowed ordered some of their new "Chow Down Red Rounds" appetizers. Basically, they're raw hamburger patties on an unwashed white plate. They we're scrumptious. After our preliminary vomit, we had course number two: a hippopotamus' tusk. It was a rather unsightly tusk, every crack chock full of dirt, grime and puss, but it microwaved down to the perfect texture and consistency (the Chef explained to me that they had a microwave specially designed to accommodate the size, shape, and marrow content of tusks, horns, muntots, buggins, and muuuffs). The further we got through our tusks, I began to have unsavory thoughts of my wife and of her nephew, little Billy. Afterward, I began to long for a many other things.

-My lost aunt Bethany
-The warmth and tender love that Hungry Man meals bring to the hearth and love of my family home
-The Holy Christian Bible
-Horned Satan (the Lord of Grim Faces)
-The Bim Bam Tribe of the Lost City of Chit
-My Favorite Book "Stranglers of Old Fashioned Nantucket"

...but most of all... I longed for the main course. Which came along quite quickly, I might add. They brought our Lincoln Burgers out three at a time. Three Lincoln Burgers for me, and another three for my assistant, Neck. By then, of course, Neck had passed away from excessive Tusk consumption. Luckily for me, I kept my tusk consumption to a healthy minimum. I got through two of my Lincoln Burgers and I had the waiter wrap the other one up for my dog, Peeeger.


I give Lincoln Burger a P+/- for flavor and likeness to the Hungry Man #8976542R Design Idea 1987. It was a fine idea but it ultimately failed to pass the board of review back when Ridge Bunharder was the Chairman.

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