Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sewer Mutant Holiday Celebration

Let's face it. Most land dwellers just don't understand that the lives of sewer people are rich and full of custom and tradition. This holiday season, many of the horribly disfigured and crusty critters from the underground have come together to share some tender moments.

We noticed particular warmth in a gift exchange between a Blood-Sucking Cauliflower Beetle and a Skin Shredder (pictured above). The Blood-Sucking Cauliflower Beetle (also pictured above) came bearing a wrapped box filled to the brim with rat intestines. The Skin Shredder presented a simple gift of jarred blood. They quickly exchanged their gifts and scampered back into their respective homes; the Cauliflower Beetle back under a large slab of concrete and the Skin Shredder into a hot pool of human feces.

On Christmas Eve, we could hear the faint sounds of chanting coming out of various tunnels. Though not all the mutants were singing in the same key, or the same language, they all seemed to be making a similar noise. Some were screeching the words. Some bellowing. And some spilling blood out of various orifices. Through it all, these were the only words we could make out: "We drink red-blood of plump tiny babies--Christmas come but once a year--we eat skin off weak and tender--I hope this year is never ender." It was a sweet little tune with a lovely melody.

Many surface dwellers falsely interpret these songs as a direct threat to humanity, though I prefer to think of them allegorically. I believe the true meaning of the songs can be only be understood by reading between the lines. When they sing about drinking the blood of "plump tiny babies," they are only referring to the child-like spirit they feel during the holidays. And when they sing about gobbling skin, they are only referencing the goosebumps they feel when the Christmas spirit crawls into their loins.


Christmas Day it was reported by the "New York Paper" that dozens of sewer creatures poured out of manholes and broke in to "St. Bork's Soft-Skinned Youth Orphanage" on Fifth Street. Orphanage owners reported that the crime was nothing short of a "literal bloodbath" with pieces of children hanging from the ceiling and walls. Over 72 children are feared dead and/or missing.

Father Perish Leader Christ-Man Cardinal Murphy O'Paddy McShulahan O'Clover had this to say: "I can't believe these godless heathens. This is the fifth time this year that they've broke into our Orphanage and eaten all of our children. One of the sewer creatures even stopped to speak to me in the middle of the raid. He explained that he and his sewer brethren would be back in April to devour the new batch of fresh-blood. I wish the city would do something about these vermin!"

When questioned about the sewer people, City Mayor Ham Poundcacke gave a few well-planned thoughts. "This is only a minor roadblock on the road of hunger for today's youth. With so many children starving in other lands, these children are anti-starved. It would be considered that they are not food but actual people. That would be true if they aren't alive. But now that they are gone, many wonder. How did we get here? The truth is, our opposing party vows to raise taxes to benefit these youngbloods. But do we have the money? It's too much to assume that just because we can protect them, that the roadblock on the road to hunger would be increased or reduced. It is only a mere pipe dream to assume that this country could pull itself out of such a twisted tailspin. In conclusion, I would like to extend my thanks to the brave men and women who celebrated Christmas in honor of our lord and sweat-covered rag-dressed savior who hung on the cross so we could bathe in the glory that is America."

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