I Accidentally Sat On My Son's Pet "Gooey Duck"

Nad Towderfish's Personal Life Journal
Entry #250,987
Barch 2nd, 1993

Crabapple! I've really done it this time. I squished my son's favorite pet. I write this message from the stale, hard freedoms of an American hospital bed at "St. Margret's Blump" Discount Hospital.

This whole mess started after I got home from Ware-Mart. I went there with my wife Judy to buy some plastic containers to hold her growing collection of crotch-clam healing creams. She's got some real foul mossy odors down there. She needs those creams, boy. Oh lord, she needs 'em.

Well, once we got home I put a VHS tape in the tape player. It was a movie called "Cribble's Nanners." It's a funny movie about a couple of men who live in apartments next to each other and throw whipped creme in each other's faces.

When I sat down on my easy chair I realized something was very wrong. I felt a slime covered rod slam deep into by no-no hole. I screamed for my son Gonard to help me. He came running and picked me up and saw the limp body of his beloved Gooey Duck, Humpty Dumpty crushed beneath my bleeding crapchute.

I feel very bad about the death of Humpty Dumpty. He has been in our family for over 16 years. We got him from the pet store when he was only a baby. As an adult he liked to just lounge around the house and watch TV. But now he's dead because of me.

Right now I'm on life support because my no-no hole has been carved up like a jack-o-lanten from Humpty Dumpty's broken shell. My Doctor says there's a pretty high chance that I'll die by tomorrow morning. I just hope that before I die I will get a chance to watch Cribble's Nanners, my favorite movie, one last time.