Rick Masters: Brown Rainmaker

On the narrow steel bridge in Plumith Groak, Mon-Tanna legendary Sports Musician Rick Masters flipped a switch on his tour bus that released nearly one metric ton of solid hot brown sewage on the faces of poor villagers below. Before pulling the switch, Rick got on the megaphone and told everyone to come out of their houses to catch free money that he had earned at his last Colosseum gig. People ran out of their houses hoping for a miracle but what they got was something much different.

Rick Masters describes the events in his own words: "Oh that one? Oh man! That was hilarious. So here's what I did. I had the driver stop on this steel grated bridge, right? So I get on the megaphone and I say 'Attention low income Americans. I am so sorry for charging so much for tickets to my shows. In an attempt to regain some of my integrity I wish to bestow you with free dollars from the sky.' Hahahaha. It was so funny I could barely say it without cracking up. Everyone in the neighborhood under the bridge started running out of their houses holding their hands in the air hoping to catch a buck or two but got a Rick Masters brown right in the kisser. When my faggot fans keep complaining about high ticket prices, I'm going to let them know exactly how I feel about them not having enough money to afford them. Period."

It was reported that the Mayor of Plumith Groak threatened to sue Rick Masters for the cruel trick, but before he could, Rick Masters purchased the entire town, and took a shit on everyone's doorstep just for kicks.

Rick Master's violinist summed the situation up quick succinctly by saying "Listen man, Rick is a turd man. He loves turds. And he hates people that hate sports. It's that simple."

Tremendous Isolated Achievement

The following text is reprinted with the permission of "Baldur's Dragon Scroll" Monthly Newsletter.

////Pliff////Freeze Time Spell////Pliff////

"It's no surprise that the world's top scientists have been unable to properly calculate the mind's energy expended on such honorable pursuits as online medieval warfare but today...we are one step closer to realizing that some of earth's brightest stars pursue life-quests on the digital plane. I can only hope that my forage into a sodium and refined sugar-rich diet was not for naught...but for a cause brimming with glory. A challenge to a higher plane of the shining rays of hope." -Suicide Note From Wharp Flameshield, former Internet Game Player

It is with great regret that I must inform you that Wharp Flameshild, a semi-respected game player has decided to take his own life by falling on his replica ninja sword today. To make matters worse, the sword was made of a low grade Chinese "metal-like" substance, laced with led and cheap plastic so he died not of the small abrasion to his hip but to the ensuing infection.

May we all bow our heads in a moment of silence as we picture the Majestic Mountains of Iso-Lor and the smoking tar pits of Blorkus-Shanner.

In another bit of news, the above picture was taken of me by my stupid brother, Nedrew. He blackmailed me into putting it into the newsletter. Earlier this morning, he found my stash of Chinese Girl action figures with all of their outfits taken off underneath my bed. He took pictures with his camera and said he'd tell mom and dad I was wiggling my thumper to action dolls if I didn't take a degrading picture and post it in this newsletter. He gave me a towel, a clothes pin and a pair of my sister's recently worn wrestling underwear and told me to dress up like a "gay forest elf" and pose with my Warp Craft box. I am sorry to bring you down even further after the already bad news.

On an uplifting note, I discovered that I am growing some hair underneath my peaches in the "end zone." Some of the people that I hang out with have already entered the "mysterious phase" where red forces begin to appear on their forehead and their voices become that of warriors instead of cabin boys. I am excited when I am able to leave the realm of my parent's and get a castle of my own one day. But until then I have to put up with stupid gay Nedrew and all of his taunting.

Swords of Eleandor!

////Plowr////Dark Smoke////Plowr////

-Dark Whisper The Vigilante

Fhal Kill Mur's Hidden Village

"My Hidden Village is a testament to all I've accomplished as an actor. Most notably my work on Batman Forever [Kill Mur pauses to take a massive bite of a submarine sandwich] the epitome of human achievement and spiritual forcewill."
-Fhal Kill Mur

Former A-List actor Fhal Kill Mur has recently opened a low-grade amusement park based solely on his past projects. Vhal named the park "Hidden Village" in remembrance of his performance in the oft-overlooked and critically dismissed 80s picture "Willow."

The park was built last year by Fhal and a couple of migrant workers over the course of a few weekday afternoons (with a few siestas tucked in for good measure). The result: an underwhelming smattering of wood and scrap-steel based rides and booths for picture viewing. The following is a list of attractions:



1.) "The Blue Flash." A roller coaster that evokes Val Kilmer's career-making performance in Heat.



2.) "Wooden Wonderland." A ride based off of the Fhal Kill Mur-starring pornography drama "Wonderland" that was released in the early two-thousands.



3.) "Batman Forever: The Revenge Of The Riddler." This is an action packed, fully horizontal land-based ride Fhal has dedicated to his successful addition to the batman franchise.

Admission to the park is $7.95 and each ticket purchase comes with a fresh home-made submarine sandwich from Fhal's own kitchen. Many people don't know this but Fhal is a pryme sandwich enthusiast and has a certificate of completion from the Subway "Sandwich Artist" training academy. His recent weight gain and ballooning facial features are considered a result of his new found obsession for refined carbohydrates.

Blord: The King Wood Toucher

(This article has been reprinted with permission from The Wood Elf Herald, an online publication for underdeveloped adults.)

WOOD ELF HERALD
Feature Article By Blayde St. Revenge

I met Blord at Flosh Grudens Community College in 1997. While the other kids went to class, we would go back behind the bushes and play with our action hero figures. Blord was Kraft from Ringlords and I was Bowman from Slyngers. We would knock our guys together until our moms came and picked us up in their minivans. After the first few weeks our moms realized we weren't going to class so they made us quit college. So I was forced to get a job at the mall working at Fruit Blendz Drinks For Men. But Blord took it all really hard, the break up and all. All I remember is that he said "Dark Forces Are At Work" and he picked up a medium-sized log and ran full speed into the New Jersey Pine Barrens. I literally haven't seen or heard from in in a year. But apparently other people have. I took some testimonials from people in the area that have seen him wandering the wyld plains:

"I was walking my dog through the pine barrens and I saw a large man with long hair attempting to hide behind a small sized rock. I literally walked right past him and he kept adjusting himself in some sort of feeble attempt to stay out of sight. Not only did I see him, but I was concerned that he was some sort of deranged woodsman that wished me or my dog harm. So I confronted him. I just asked if he had a problem. Then all of a sudden he began to screech at an ear piercing decibel. He the stood up violently, continuing to scream, picked up a giant hunk of wood and galloped away at a frantic but awkward pace towards dense wooded cover."
-Dr. Berri Snyder

"I was out birdwatching on the south end of the pine barrens and I heard a squirrel making warning noises. The warning noises got louder and louder then stopped altogether. Then I saw a giant oaf of a man fall about 75 feet out of an pine tree and land flat on his back. He seemed to be in some distress but he got up and in his right hand was a dead squirrel. He picked up what appeared to be a giant hunk of wood. That's when he noticed me standing about 200 yards away with binoculars. His eyes began to glow red and he barked like a dark Tasmanian wolfhound and shot off into the darkness."
-Hobby Pinkle

"It all started when I was picking blackberries off a massive tangle of vines last summer. I saw a huge clump in the far back row, just at the end of my reach. I had to stretch deep into the bush to get them. While I was straining I felt like there was someone behind me, but by the time I turned around a large, naked man with long black hair had already stolen my bucket of berries and was making a bee line for the trees. I was less upset and more just amazed that someone would steal berries. So I watched him run about 300 feet away. He stopped in the middle of a clearing and began to softly urinate on a pile of leaves. I used that time as my opportunity to sneak up behind him. I got closer and closer and he seemed not to notice my advance. Once I got to within a foot or two, I planned on just reaching down and stealing my berries back but the man quickly spun around, and let out a blood curdling snarl, revealing razor sharp serrated teeth. I quickly ran back to my car and drove home."
-Bonnie Tyler

Nooper "Do Not Dance Too Close To Female"

"I installed heat sensitive cameras inside my daughter's bathroom to ensure that she isn't getting warm feelings thinking about boys." -Elder Faithdust "Nooper" Placard

Nobody is more outspoken against male/female relations than Nooper, the popular Mormon Recording Artist. Though Nooper isn't his birth name, it was given to him by friends and family because of how often he says the word "nope" in a funny way due to his North Dakota accent.

Nooper became a popular name in the booming Mormon Recording Industry in the late nineteen seventies. Performing such hits as "NO NIGGERS IN THE PRIESTHOOD" (1977), "I LIKE BLACK PEOPLE (FOR THE LORD NOW SAYS IT'S OKAY)" (1978), MY NEIGHBORS SON KISSED A BOY AND HE IS BEING EX-COMMUNICATED" (1981), "THE HUMBLE WHITE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS/UPPER CLASS HOME" (1985), "MY MINIVAN" (1992), "MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER HEAVY PET, I GUARANTEE IT" (1999), "DREAMS OF 9-11" (2001), "DON'T HOLD HANDS WITH MY DAUGHTER--OR TOUCH HER--OR LOOK AT HER" (2002), "SEXUALITY OUGHT TO BE REPRESSED--AND THE ENSUING MENTAL ILLNESS MUST BE STAVED OFF WITH CONSTANT READINGS OF 'PEARL OF GREAT PRICE' IN THE BOOK OF MORMON" (2005), "MARIE OSMOND'S SON DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS A REPRESSED HOMOSEXUAL. HE KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE THE MORNING STAR ENTERED HIS BLOODSTREAM AND MADE HIM LUSTFUL TOWARDS A MAN FOR A TEMPORARY PERIOD (BUT HE HAD THE POWER TO FIGHT IT)."

Now that he has entered his golden years, his daughter is of legal dating age--and Elder Nooper has TRULY gone off the deep end to protect his daughter. Acting out in response to his own sexual repression and deep seated insecurities, he's written an album entitled "Don't Dance Too Close To Female." He's distributed a copy to every male at her high school in hopes it will ward off any sexual feelings of lustful moisture towards his daughter.

NOOPER
DON'T DANCE TOO CLOSE TO FEMALE

1.) JOSEPH SMITH DIDN'T BELIEVE IN INTERCOURSE (AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU)
2.) MALE PRESIDES OVER FEMALE
3.) FEMALE IS SUBORDINATE (AND MUST OBEY HER FATHER)
4.) GLAD TIDINGS FROM ONE TEENAGER TO ANOTHER (WITHOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT)
5.) PRESERVE YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAVENLY WHITE ROBES
6.) ONE DAY YOU WILL HAVE YOUR OWN MINIVAN
7.) DADDY'S CELESTIAL WONDER
8.) TOGETHER FOREVER (IN THE BONDS OF FAMILY IN WHITE ROBES)
9.) STAR MAKER (I DON'T WANT BLACK PEOPLE ON THE PLANET I CREATE-SORRY GOD)
10.) MODERN AMERICAN CONSERVATIVE VALUES ARE MY APPLE PIE (LOVE ETERNAL)

We were fortunate enough to catch up with Veronica Placard (the daughter) for a brief interview regarding her father's over-protective behavior. This is what she had to say:

"I totally forgot to take my birth control last night. I was pounding whiskey with Greg, Antonio, and D'Shawn and we smoked a whole $20.00 marijuana purchase. Anyway, I had relations with like one of them...or maybe more...haha...I don't remember but the point is...I forgot to take my birth control. Anyway, I'm going to have my friend Amber hit me in the belly with a broomhandle in a month or two to make sure I'm not pregnant. I can't go to the pharmacy to get Plan B or to Planned Parenthood because my dad insists on driving me everywhere in his minivan. The only reason I was lucky enough to party last night was because we did it upstairs in church while my cousin Jobe was getting baptized."

Plork (Fun Elvis!)

"Many jabber faces make remarks about my band saying 'you play shit.'"
-Unber Groak, Lead Vocalist (Plork)

At the mere mention of Plork, most music critics begin to tear away at the skin on their faces and reach for the nearest bottle of rubber cement to pour inside of their ear canals. But everything aside, Nor-Land's infamous "Hodge-Podge Eclectics" Plork are preparing for the release of their new album "Fun Elvis" and an extensive Southern U.S. Tour.

In a recent interview with Plork's lead vocalist, Unber Groak, we discovered much of the band's career so far has been rife with terrible hardship, crippling self-doubt and reprehensible body odors.

"It make me sad that everyone in the world hate our band. We go on tour of United America and a man, he take a bottle and bash it over my newborn baby son's face and tell me to die in lava."

Many people wonder how a band that is universally despised can afford to go on a tour to another continent. The answer: not easily. Unber and his band mates search for extra money deep in the bowels of the sewers.

"Last time we go tour America United, we get under the ground by sliding down a hole. We bring rakes and pieces of stick. Then we go where people make splashes in the white-pot. We stick our tools into the smell piles until we find coins and we collect them in Knhort's burlap sack."

After learning more about his methods, I realized that Unber is referring to the rogue coins that people sometimes accidentally shake out of their jeans into the toilet when they're taking their pants down before a bowel movement. Since not many people accidentally drop coins into the toilet, Unber and his band generally have a very difficult time searching for coins in piles of human waste. But after sixteen years of feverish searching, the band has come up with enough capital to fund another tour to the U.S.

Instead of taking a discount plane ride or taking a barge, due to their limited funds, Plork will be constructing a man-made raft from milk cartons and hardened dung from the sewers (used as sealant). They will consume raw fish meat on the ride over (fished from guitar strings) and they'll keep all their musical gear wrapped tightly in plastic wrap (found in the garbage).

Plork "Fun Elvis" will be released on cassette this December.

Track Listing:

1.) My Dig In The Sewer
2.) I Found A Coin
3.) My Son Hit With Bottle
4.) Feeling Worse About Underarm Bad Smell
5.) Good Times For Uncle Elvis
6.) I Smell Not Like A Good Man
7.) Money I Don't Have
8.) America Money Pot
9.) Sweat Woman
10.) Garbage Eater
11.) Trash Hunger

Hope Instigator Supreme: "Crimson Blayde"

When times are tough for the students at Grape Berry High School in Tree-branch, Illinois, they have someone there looking out for their feelings and their well being. At least according to Horton Shrivel, the high school janitor, who also goes by the name "Crimson Blayde."

Mr. Shrivel claims he uses his mysterious alias to give kids "good feelings" and "for general security impressions." Though he claims his intentions are noble, some of the students claim his methods are a bit unorthodox.

One student, who declined his name be used in this interview, claimed to have a strange encounter with Mr. Shrivel:

"Yeah, so like I was in the bathroom stall making a rear drop. I guess I was groaning and sweating a bit. But anyway, someone started pounding on the stall door. So I said it was occupied. That's when I noticed the red shoes. It was the janitor, Crimson Blayde. Instead of listening to me, he crawled underneath the door and started to rub my ankles. He told me that "destiny awaits in the plummage pot" and he pulled my sock down, tucked a piece of hard candy into it and slithered back out the way he came making clicking sounds."

Another student describes his abnormal experience:

"So I was standing at the piss drain doing a Mississippi hose-down and I hear a deep voice tell me that destiny has plans for me. I turned around and saw the Janitor. I know it was him because he dresses like a comic hero or something. He always carries a red broom on his back and his mop has a medieval-style mace made out of a urinal cake with pencils coming out of it. Anyway...the janitor came right up behind me and started to jiggle my fat rolls. He started to make noises like a snake hissing and put a lollypop down the front of my t-shirt pocket."

When interviewed, Mr. Shrivel had very little to say about the incidents. He spoke instead of his personal manifesto. "I have special weapons that help me clean the down ground. If I see someone he have a hard time make drop, I give him sugar sweets. I name myself Crimson Blayde because my broom-sword is so bad. If I see a brown on the ground I smash it with my sword and sweep the pieces."

Crotch Interviews

Cat's Crotch has always been receptive when offered a chance speak with important figures in politics and economics, and this month we're honored to have a visit paid to us by Ben Bernanke, the current Chairman of The Federal Reserve. BB wanted to explain to us in layman's term why printing more money will fill our pantries and keep our hot bars satisfied.

CC: "Good morning Ben! You look healthy."

BB: "Thank you. I feel good!"

CC: "I love your skin."

BB: "Let's get down to brass tax. This month started off fairly rough with the Debt Roof barely getting raised in time before America became officially slightly unreliable when it comes to paying back loans. You really have to understand why it's important to have a perfect credit score."

CC: "We think about that all the time!"

BB: "I know, it's pretty intense. Anyway, when you print more money, that means everyone will get more, and we need more because we were almost out."

CC: "Well that makes sense... that doesn't mean its value will decrease, will it? Or that stuff will get more stupid?"

BB: "No, of course not, god."

CC: "What about it eventually cycling to other countries and not coming back? I think that is a possibility."

BB: "That's completely impossible because it's American dollars. They only work in America, c'mon."

CC: "... what's that black stuff coming out of your eyes?"

BB: "What...? That's nothing, nothing is coming out of my eyes."

CC: "It looks like Satan's semen."

That this point Ben pushes his index finger into his eye socket and then draws something on the desk in front of him with the questionable black material, then vanishes. The symbol that was traced into the wood also vanished.

U.S. Army Presents: "Would-Stock" 1969

In response to the well-known counter culture festival of the same year, the U.S. Army felt it necessary to host a competing festival for "buttoned-up military types" as opposed to "loose haired faggots."

Upon hearing the news about Woodstock, General B.R. Slate Blambrock of The Catskills Military Training Grass Field said "we'll let those robe-wearing chicken-hawks have their dandy-doodle, but me and my boys will put on a little show of our own."

General Blambrock sent word out to personnel at all the surrounding military bases: "You close-cut boys don't have to feel short-changed by not being allowed to go to Woodstock with the hippy-dippies and their boring drugs and loud music. We're going to put on a little show of our own called 'Would-Stock.' As in, why WOULD you want to go to Woodstock?"

As it turns out, General Blambrock was unable to book any musical acts (aside from a few elderly Christian singers from the local gospel-hut to do a song-and-dance promenade) so he enlisted a few of the most elite Jet Fighters from the local air base to drive around in the fields with their afterburners on full blast for a "straight shot of sweltering American heat and joy."

On the day of the festival, many military families gathered in a green field under the sun to enjoy the day's activities. Many prepared mayonnaise-based meals while others picked single blades of grass and threw them back down again. Some young men even slapped a "high-five" to one another (assuming the high-ranking officers weren't looking).

But when the Jet Fighters arrived, the fun TRULY began. The jets started off on a slow but gradual taxi around the green field, but after a few minutes of slow play, the pilots fired the afterburners and drove their airships straight into the crowd... giving men, women and children something great to look at.

A few military military participants look back on memories of the festival with fondness:

"I thought it was a jim-dandy time. My father and I were some of the lucky few to have jets drive over our family picnic and squash our 'taters. It was truly hilarious!" -Private Grumder Feath

"My young daughter and I were there when the pilot's landing gear failed and the nose dropped into the crowd. It fell right on someone's bottle of mustard and squirted it all over their face." -Popcorn Lieutenant Pumper Clapflash

"My good friend Jacob stuck his hot dog into the jet's afterburner flame and cooked it. I remember him telling me how it was the best hot dog he'd ever tasted. He died of cancer a couple years later. But... back to Would-Stock! It was a great time. I wish I could go back and do it again!" -Colonel Ennerd Foghorn

Unbelieveable Glory

Worldwide eyeball phenomenon and leading American browhair-length extraordinaire Malniferous Pondercut has given birth asexually to twin albecorian slickhaired screamers. Communicating using a series of alphabetical scorecards, Malniferous named his/her two youngest offspring Flame Junction and Steel Blade. As of Tuesday night, they will be officially ordained as part of the "Twin Sons" bicentennial Browhair Legacy Foundation's "Royal Review."

As many people already know, Malniferous is the son/daughter of Legendary look-absorber Pontificus BloodRevenge, the individual with the longest and most perfect recorded eyebrows and mustache known to civilization. But with that prestigious of a lineage comes considerable pressure. In his/her younger days, Malniferous was known to stay out late with "questionable breeds," often "rubbing leathers" with a ruffian miscreant or two along the way. As it was often reported in "Dog Feathers Worldwide Tribute" in the late nineteen seventies, Malniferous also occasionally partook in dog's marijuana (a cheaper, less-reliable form of the drug, boiled and distilled down to a level where dogs can begin to understand it's effects on the mind).

It was never quite understood what exactly pulled Malniferous out of the drug and sex filled stupor that ruled his/her younger days, but according to leading experts at the Brow Length program at Tableaux Royal University, he/she experienced enlightenment when his/her eyebrows and mustache reached an adequate length. Adequate enough to set his/her restless mind at peace and leave him/her with an everlasting feeling of spiritual tranquility that no man, beast or fiery war will never interrupt.

Now, with the birth of his/her two sons, Malniferous will be making a sizable donation to the "Brow Enhancement Research Fund for Fortunate Youths" to bequeath some of the hair-praise he/she received in his/her younger days to a new spawn of slickhairs. It will be with great pleasure that, upon the moment of his/her death, Malniferous is to have his/her browhair and mustache surgically removed and installed on the back of a sports car traveling the desert at extraordinarily high speeds. Malniferous explained in a recent interview with "Hair Hound Daily" that he/she wishes to re-live those dangerous and untamed days of his/her youth, but now, with the children, that is impossible. He/She (or part of him/her) will be a feather on the breeze in the next life, but not in this one.

It was reported that Sportscar Pedal Accelerator Operator Jergens Fourthwright III of Southwestern England has agreed to be the man to install Malniferous' hair upon the spoiler of his Ephigram Royal 5X B3. In a joint statement with his sponsors, Blumghust Motors and Edith Graham Dog Food, Jergens said "I feel a debt of gratitude to Malniferous and [it's] wonderful hair... produced as a result of a lineage that will be remembered forevermore."