Friday, October 15, 2010

1997 Consumer Report: Werewolf Insurance

The Werewolf Insurance craze has officially swept the nation. Nervous shiver-bodies and spooked Henrys from coast to coast have rushed to Rip-Jip's Centennial Ghost, Spook and Wolf-Bite Preventive Insurance Centers of Southern America to purchase the "Lifetime Gold Hound Dog and Wolf-hound No-Bite Plan."

Ever since a Werewolf busted into the White House last Hugtember and tried to sniff the President's asshole, people have been concerned about their own corntubes. The number of "Hound Dog and Wolf-hound No-Bite Plans" have risen from 4,000 warmbodies in 1992 to 75,000 in this fine year 1997.

Customers from all demographics have began to feel the tremble of fear deep down in their grape-sacks and nard-holsters. Last year alone, Werewolf attacks tripled in American nursing homes. Over 2 million shrivel-bodies were completely devoured in their sleeping chambers by hungry wolf-dogs and blood-snarfers.

We spoke with an old-fashioned grey-afro long-boob about her terrifying experience with a Red-eyed Hunger-beast.

"I was in my bed watching an episode of Nadlock Whoopie-Cushions on Grey-hair TV and I heard a growl or a snarl outside of my window. I got out of bed to look outside and a Wolf-beast lunged inside my living quarters. I thought it was going to eat my old body but it kept sniffing my legs. Eventually, I realized it was smelling my catheter. It began to grown and it ripped the catheter off my leg and snarfed all the hot dunnerds inside. It was terrible."

We spoke to a man from Easter-Christmas FunVille Nursing Facility for Sag-Faces in East Carolina about his experience with a Night-Hound.

"I was inside of my bathroom trying to make a brown-pile in my smell-vat when I heard a wolf-howl outside of my door. I said 'who's there' but no one answered. So I got off the stink-bowl and moved toward the door with my pants around my ankles. I opened the door up just a crack and saw a 12 foot Werewolf going through my collection of Matlock tapes on VHS. I screamed at him to get away from my tapes but he saw me and barged into the bathroom and ate all of my browncream out of the smell-tank. I have never felt so violated."

At Consumer Reports, it is our Sky-Lord appointed duty to inform you of grave incidents such as the ones you have just heard. We strongly advise any shriveled humans or weak-hearts to buy the "Hound Dog and Wolf-hound No-Bite Plans." The silver plan includes a 6-Month No-Bite guarantee while the Gold plan ensures a full 7-Months of No-Bites plus a full turd-replacement promise. So whenever a Hungry-Beast gobbles one of your brownlogs, Rip-Jip's Centennial Ghost, Spook and Wolf-Bite Preventive Insurance Centers of Southern America promises to replace every ounce of smell-log lost.

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