Monday, September 6, 2010

Inspiring Tales of Real Life Humans With Dusty Snoot Snouts: A Young Adult's Picture Story

"Snoot snout" means your asshole.

Slice 1:

Danny Fistpiss is the coolest hunk at playschool. He drives the girls wild when he shows off his vast collection of Craftsman drill bits and broken glass shards. Some of his peers say Danny should be president of the moon one day, because "fuck this clown ass planet" - peers.

Danny drives a Honda Racetruck that runs on actual liquid "horse's power", which is a horse's driving will to run strident and free that every horse is born with and no body can take away from them, even the white pilgrims who kind of took advantage and were unappreciative of the horses at first because they didn't understand horses as well as the Natives of this beautiful beautiful land did. BUT, as much as it seems that Danny Fistpiss has all the right moves, and as much as it seems that he has what it takes to make it happen in this crazy life, and as much as it seems that he's cleaning this situation up and moving the streets in the right direction, and as much as it seems that he's taking charge and making strides toward a successful future, and as much as it seems that he's buckling down and pulling up his bootstraps for a fight against apathy and doubt, and as much as it seems that although sometimes he won't come out on top, he knows that he probably learned something valuable along the way and isn't going to let setbacks cloud his focus on larger life-goals both personal and altruistic, Danny also has something that no man worth his girth in fat stacks would ever wish upon anyone's family... A dusty snoot snout.

"Sometimes my snoot snout gets so dusty that it gristles LOUD when I power jam a field goal basket. It's really embarrassing, but it's something that I've always lived with and have learned to manage on a situation-by-situation basis." - Danny Fistpiss

2nd Chunk:

You may recognize the "Golden Corral" Family from their hungry exploits on commercial television. (From L to R: Jared Ribsmoke, Lori Nipple, Mart Flemp, and Phyung Kwang.) While we and our not-dead-yet loved ones tune in every day to see which restaurant chain will please the disgusting needs of these gut slop craving fuckers, in reality, the actors who portray this Crumbstick-Award-winning fake Hollywood family are actually all individual sufferers of the scourge known as dusty snoot snout, and each deserves our sympathy and support. Even the lady ones.

"Hi, we're in the mood for baby back ribs and also for someone to clean and moisten our weary snoot snouts. You see, they're far too dusty and we've been putting up with the discomfort and embarrassment for so long now, that even the slightest relief would feel like heaven to our coarse, dry, tundra like snoot snout walls, ground and ceilings."

Partition C:

If you were somewhat disturbed by the real life tales of our previous dry anused heroes/heroines, then I know this next picture must come as SHOCK to you, likely sending your already blown minds into a fierce downward spiral, and leaving you on the verge of SERIOUS squirtage. Now, I understand that your first reaction to this kind of revelation is probably doubt, then denial, then a weird warm feeling, then kind of a slow pulsing pain but not like... sharp pain? like a weird big bowling ball pressed against your side or something. Well, as official author and researcher of this book, I want to give each and every single reader my ABSOLUTE PROMISE that the man you see above; affectionately known the world over as United States President Barack Obama, is HIMSELF an unfortunate victim of the desolate, depression era dust bowl wasteland, gravelly ass plague that is dusty snoot snout DUHZEAYSE mm hmm.

Fair reader, whatever your politics may be... Whether you're a snake nosed rowzsnuffler, or a clam puckered fip-fapper, you must sympathize with the plight of having to run an entire country while toiling in the hellish trashcan doldrums of snippy fucky fuck fuck snoot snout problem zone area feelings. And for you sufferers out there, it's this kind of high profile celebrity that needs to come to the forefront of snoot snout suffrage and TAKE A M'F'ing STAND. Yes, and I know you're reading this Barack Obama, because I got your picture right there, so if you'll excuse my frankness, the time is now Mr. President. I've got the ball rolling on snoot snout awareness, now it's time for you to follow it up. Okay, now I guess I'll get off my soap box that I've placed on my high horse.

No testimony was given, but here's an applicable quote:

"Do the right thing" - Spike Lee

This is the next one in the sequence of parts to the story:
Unfortunately, I am without a personal back story for the family shown in the above photo because they were too embarrassed to give me their social security numbers. However, the picture came with an accompanying handwritten testimony which I will now run un-edited.


Ultimate Hope:
Unfortunately for our brave and irritated souls, no medically approved cure has yet been discovered to relieve a dusty snoot snout. =(

HOWEVER, through years of my own personal underground research I have uncovered a gleaming ray of hope. I have found unequivocal evidence that the only way to escape the barbed wire tumbleweed shackles of this unfortunate affliction is to contact a certain Mr. Bonesaw Mcgraw, and have him come to your cabin and personally kick you in the fuck. According to my research notes and formulas, the utterly wacky shit released from this catastrophic kick has been known to temporarily alleviate the dry and dusty reaches of the snoot snout regions.

So... If you have the means (Duh... Mr. President, HELLOOO?!?!?) to acquire the services of Bonesaw on a thrice daily basis, you now have a chance to lead a normal life again, or, as in Danny Fistpiss's situation lead a normal life for the first time. (Danny Fistpiss was born with a dusty snoot snout because his grandfather smoked crack. Tests have shown that all others acquired the disease from stuffing a watermelon seed up there at some point or another.)

In closing, I ask that we as the human race only try harder to be aware of the problems that surround us, and do what we can to help those in need. I think I've done my part, now it's your turn America. Like my friend Spike says at all of his college commencement speeches: "Do the right thing!"

1 comment:

  1. Danny Fistpiss and I were friends in school. But I just felt like we stopped connecting after he was diagnosed with Snoot Snout. Afterwards, he would just around in his Canadian Tuxedo with his overripe anus hanging all over the place. I felt like I personally burned the American flag by turning my back on Danny that day. I felt like I let down Spike's Lee as well. Fuck.