Tuesday, September 7, 2010

State Department Releases "GUIDE TO BELLY RUBS"

The State Department has released their annual guide to safe practices of Belly Rubs 1997--"YEAR OF THE GOLDEN CROWN OF ALL HUMANITY (THERE WILL BE NO BETTER YEAR)."

In this year's guide, you'll find deeper explanations of pourt-spittle, a step-by-step guide to giving your significant other a supper-tyme "Vivian Schnyder", and, perhaps most notably, an illustrated guide to wiping up puddles of noot if and when your partner's sagged porthole begins to wheeze and leak. The best way to clean is with with Gary's Gentle-Hand Gentleman Hand Rags (Pictured Below).

Here are some excerpts from Chapter 17: Continuous rubbing on a fiddle-diddle-duckus.

"When a grown man or longhair rubs on a diddle-duckus, what he or she may not understand is that they may be dealing with a fiddle-diddle-duckus..."

"...Every Hork and Nupple on the very tip of the VORK is within potential squirt radius."

"...So it is with every sunset that a beard-wearer must dunt his caverns to find signs of shrivled bunnerds..."

"Pucket-flops ARE NOT an uncommon sight."

"...Neighing whispers may occur in the final period of stasis during which an accredited enchanted willy must rup your duckus counterclockwise in order to remove any hex larger than tenfold earthclod."

1 comment:

  1. It's sad to think that a man can go his whole life thinking he's dealing with a diddle-duckus, when he's been staring at a fiddle-diddle-duckus all along. It's like, how do you pick up the pieces and just move on from that?