Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Richard Attenborough's Aged Cider


"Welcome to Jurassic Pa-heh...I mean... Welcome to my aged cider."

-Sir Richard Attenborough

The news of Richard Attenborough's Aged Cider has already reached most major media outlets. To many, this is a cause for celebration-a night of rubbing hotspots and torking on warmhandles-but for others a day of shock. Today, the news has been been released of a dark double life of the popular actor/naturalist/non-flosser.

Authorites in Liverspotshire, Pumpittt, London have discovered a bevy of lude and moistened photographs of downtrodden middle-aged women hidden in the flossless bathroom cupboards of the Attenborough estate. Yes, it is true. Sir Attenborough, best known to Americans as Rad Dad Richard Hammond from Jurassic Park, is a youngflesh taster known in rumpus circles as "Rude Rude Rick." Though, traditionally, youngflesh is considered young women between the ages of 13-21, Rude Rude Rick's preference is a bit older.

It has been discovered that in between shooting films like "Long Talks On Shrubbery" and "Clean Clean Countertops," Sir Attenborough has been walking the dark streets of Liverspotshire on the hunt for the gooeyducks of jobless middle aged women. It's been noted that he often proposes warm-robbins in exchange for goldcoins. In fact, it seems that many famous London showpeople already know about Sir Attenborough's dirty habits.

Here's what some of them have to say:

"I knew that old fruit was a hamgrabber. I saw him looking up my wife's rugumtorts during my son's holy head dunk."
-Greggorie Dougersnout, Film Director

"In between shoots on the set of 'Clean Clean Countertops' I saw Richard patting the palm of his hand on his wigwam and breathing like an old chimney fireplace. He was staring directly at my chowderbowl. It was absolutely bonkers."
-Moihira Drippingsfield, Actress

"Please somebody put that old yellow haystack behind bars. I saw him having bumpers with a girl named Margaret-Bet-Bet after he paid her two gold coins when she lost her job as the hairstylist for Goit Nanner."
-Pord Illingrath, Stunt Trainer to the Elderly on "Jurassic Park 6: John Hammond's Revenge"

It remains unclear whether or not this hubble-hobbing will ruin Rude Rude Rick's career.

Check back for more news on this anus-breaking story.

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