Saturday, September 18, 2010

Restaurant Origins: Ruth's Chris Steak House

Ruth-Zot Mummersfeld was born in 1904 to a wealthy slaving family. Though slaving was made "officially" illegal after the Civil War, the Mummersfeld family continued to capture slaves. On weekdays, Mr. Mummersfeld would to go out to the grassy plains and hunt live humans. These were usually drifters and traveling men. He used a hunting rifle to incapacitate them but he never shot to kill. He only shot to mame. He usually aimed for the walking devices or bendy bumps. Mr. Mummersfeld even brought Ruth along for a trip every so often, to show her the ropes.

The Ruth's Chris Steak House story officially began when Ruth captured her first human slave in the summer of 1920. The man was a lonely traveller/planewalker/gunny-sack man with a haired face. She shot him 14 times in the legs and named him "Chris" after he collapsed in agony. She decided on the name "Chris" because the man was screaming "Christ" but, since he was in such excruciating pain, it sounded more like "Chris."

Ruth took a quick liking to the man. Instead of making Chris a "Full-on, Hard-on" slave, she decided to use him as a cook in the family kitchen. Chris would cook Ruth "browned man slices" and "boylogna" made from Mr. Mummersfeld's retired slaves.

As time wore on, Chris became the "head slave" in the family household and was allowed to eat bread, instead of his own steaming turds, for supper. Late at night, Ruth would crawl into Chris' cabin, whip him with a bullslapper and sexually bump him. It was an affair than continued unnoticed for decades.

In 1930, Ruth used Chris' man slice recipe to open her own restaurant, Ruth's Chris Steak House. Since then, it has grown to become a national fun-tyme romper of a chowhouse. Though they don't make browned-human meals anymore, it's still a good hungryshed. Try the bloodsteak and smush dirtrounds.

Ruth is now 106 years old but still bumps nads with Chris every night.

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